it's inappropriate.

slowly but surely i'm coming back to attack

but don't get too excited because this week i have so much

crap in my calendar that i might as well just sleep in my car.

yesss. awesome.

no. not really.

ok.

it's inappropriate

for me to find a camwow picture kora left on my phone

that looks eerily similar to my friend mo-gin.

mo-gin? is that you?

why are you in my phone?

it's inappropriate

for me to spy this precious love

sleeping on his mommy during church.

AND THEN,

for me to ask her if i can steal him.

he was only 2 weeks old!!

what is WRONG with me?

ugh.

it's not like i don't already have forty thousand kids.

or that my lover isn't already snippity snipped.

bleh.

having womanly hormones isn't fair.

it's inappropriate

for my friends to ask me ridiculous questions.

because they will ALWAYS get a ridiculous answer.

did u hear?

i got a haircut. oy.

no no no. stopit. i know what you're saying.

"oh my gosh! it's so cute! u look adorable!"

(all in ur high pitched girl voice)

let me correct you.

it's cute

IN. THIS. PICTURE.

i'm having a really hard time with it

because i had long hair for sooo long.

soooo.

when i pull up behind a car like this.

and i'm already feeling very self concious about my hurrr...

it's inappropriate

for this dadgum car to laugh at me.

arghh.

i know what you're thinking and i don't like you, car!!!

it's inappropriate

for my Lover to even THINK

he should grow a mustache.

*shiver*

don't worry. everyone just calm down.

it's gone now.

its inappropriate

for my little isaak and gus

to sneak over to the neighbors house

and get into their after deployment celebratory cooler of beers

(which was sitting in the driveway unattended to (??))

and then

SMASH

everysingleone.

on the driveway.

bottles and cans both.

24 beers total.

what was even MORE awesome

(and by awesome i mean not really awesome at all)

was that my neighbor felt the need to

CHEW. ME. OUT.

over silly beers.

that we REPLACED for them.

*eyeroll*

gotta love ignorant people like that.

but the best part of this whole story?

the sweet voodoo doll package michele left on my porch

the next day.

*smile*

it's inappropriate

for me to spy a mannequin at dicks

that apparently my friend luke was the mold for.

dear luke,

you look better with a head.

love, jess.

it's inappropriate

for you to teach you children about good music

withOUT

including oldie but goodies from nsync.

oh joey. mmhmm.

though i must warn you,

by doing so, your children may be susceptible

to performing amazing dance moves

in their sleep.

which is NEVER a bad thing.

it's inappropriate

for me to always see this sign as i drive onto base.

because i immediately think it's saying something

completely different.

although still very applicable.

it's inappropriate

to perform any type of facial work in the bathroom

in any way OTHER

than sitting in your sink.

just so you know.

it's inappropriate

for you to text your father in law

(and 63239093498 other people you know)

a text as awesome as this.

but i still did.

and you should too.

do it. i dare you.

and. the. best.

its inappropriate

for my children to

ONCE AGAIN

melt into nothing on my floor.

how to make friends as a grownup. do's and don'ts.

DO be friends with sexy flight attendants

because when you're traveling home to TX from NC

and you're all giddy from just having spent 11 days with your Lover

who had just been deployed for 7 months,

that sexy flight attendant WILL tell the pilot to make an announcement

over the intercom telling the ENTIRE flight about it.

awesome.

DON'T be friends with anyone who can't appreciate

a good, thoughtful christmas present.

jerk.

DO be friends with anyone who likes

to workout with you and will overlook

your tomato red face and sweaty crotch

after each training session.

DON'T be friends with anyone who flirts with your Lover.

although, that narrows the friendship pool down to hardly

anyone because when your Lover looks as hot as MY Lover?

it's almost hard NOT to accidentally flirt with him.

uhmm, YES.

he is making duck face.

he's sexy and he knows it.

DO be friends with anyone who will tell you

HiLaRiOUsLy inappropriate stories about her husband's past

and even post pictures of his gangster mexican phase

on your facebook wall.

DON'T be friends with anyone who is too embarrassed

to meet you and your mustache-a-wearin kids

at chick-fil-a for lunch.

cause sometimes, ya just wanna wear a mustache.

DO be friends with anyone who knows how to throw a party.

nothing. and i mean NOTHING.

is better than good food and silly games with friends.

DO be friends with people who have a lot of kids.

this way, they won't notice your kids

behaving wretchedly horrid

because they're too busy being watching their own.

DON'T be friends with anyone who won't let you

pose them for a memorable picture.

DO be friends with anyone who will bring you bread

or any homemade goodness for that matter

when your house is falling apart with sick people.

DON'T be friends with anyone who takes life too seriously.

it never turns out pretty.

DO be friends with anyone who will appreciate

the "wooden whistle"

you brought them back as a souvenir

from your trip to san francisco.

DON'T be friends with anyone who won't let you

take 724989238 million pictures together

until you get one that's just. right.

DO be friends with anyone who isn't ashamed to tell you

that you totally have a camel toe in those pants.

DON'T be friends with anyone whom you can't

text pictures of your thrift store finds to.

that right there is a rare gem my friends.

DO be friends with anyone who looks hot

in an antique store mink stole.

only good things that come from that kinda power, people.

DO be friends with anyone who will take pictures of you

looking totally hardcore while getting a tattoo.

and just to be clear,

this is an example of "someone"

NOT looking totally hardcore.

no, it doesn't hurt.

DO be friends with anyone who will run a muck

and act a fool with you in public.

DON'T be friends with anyone who has a hard time

being 100% honest.

even if it makes them sound like a total slut.

in a good way of course.

DO be friends with anyone who will buy you wax lips.

that's an easy one.

DON'T be friends with anyone who isn't on the same

nerdy internet level as you are.

it's no fun making a hilarious honey badger joke

to someone whose never even heard of youtube.

and best for last...

DO.

lemme repeat myself.

DO. DO. DO.

be friends with your sisters.

period.

they'll always love you

no matter what.

it's inappropriate.

2 months since i last blogged.

i know.

i'm not really a blogger anymore.

i'm retired.

but i still have to document my kids' lives, yeah?

ok FINE i am a blogger

just a sucky one.

shut your face.

it's inappropriate

for me to find gus covered in chocolate

buck nEked

all while trying to clean up his mess

while Lover and i were...

busy.

it's inappropriate

for me to find and buy this rad thrifted belt

with a big 'ole bass buckle,

and the name 'richard' across the back.

oh you bet i'll wear this you son of gun you.

it's inappropriate

for my arms to be so dang long

that my kids use them as a swing.

all i have to say is,

google image the word "marfan syndrome".

okay this one's a toughy.

is it more inappropriate

for kora to ride around town on her bike

with her ken barbie hooked on the handle bars

with his pants down?

or is it more inappropriate

that ken has poof'd up bangs, full makeup with cat eyes,

lipstick and highlights?

he looks like he got attacked at the mac counter.

i can't decide.

it's inappropriate

for lover to buy ME birthday cupcakes on MY birthday

but have the place make one for HIM that's chocolate

since i like red velvet.

ok so i only get 11? wtc?

it's inappropriate

for you to smash ur baby's face.

but it's oh so fun.

it's inappropriate

for me to walk into the bathroom and see this.

too many thoughts run through my head.

did kora start her period?

have the brothers finally killed each other?

is this a joke?

is that from a hand or a head?

where is the body and how much time do we have to dispose of it?

thankfully it was only red velvet cake hands.

phew!

it's inappropriate

for me, a 33 year old MOM of 5,

to be in love with justin beiber.

but i am.

oh oh oh ohhhhh i am.

it's inappropriate

for gus to come running out of my bathroom

covered in shaving cream.

i swear we watch him...sometimes.

it's inappropriate

for me to continue to find thrifted awesomeness

like this flight attendant dress.

that i didn't buy!!!!

i hate my decisions sometimes.

it's inappropriate

for me to take pictures of Lover shaving

with his pants unbuttoned.

but daaaaaadgummit.

he's hot.

it's inappropriate

for my children to just melt.

right in the middle of the floor.

but unfortunately they do sometimes.

oh well, i've got 4 more.

it's inappropriate

for Lover to play with knives

cuuuuzzzzzz...

(you better be sayin this before i do)

he gun cut hisself!!

bessssst. fooooooo. lasssssst.

it's inappropriate

for me to be addicted to roadkill.

still.

i know. i just can't help myself.

oh dang.

there it is again.

guts and all just hangin out.

i love it.