Sunday, February 26, 2012

it's inappropriate.

slowly but surely i'm coming back to attack
but don't get too excited because this week i have so much
crap in my calendar that i might as well just sleep in my car.
yesss. awesome.
no. not really.


it's inappropriate
for me to find a camwow picture kora left on my phone
that looks eerily similar to my friend mo-gin.
mo-gin? is that you?
why are you in my phone?

it's inappropriate
for me to spy this precious love
sleeping on his mommy during church.

for me to ask her if i can steal him.
he was only 2 weeks old!!
what is WRONG with me?
it's not like i don't already have forty thousand kids.
or that my lover isn't already snippity snipped.
having womanly hormones isn't fair.

it's inappropriate
for my friends to ask me ridiculous questions.
because they will ALWAYS get a ridiculous answer.

did u hear?
i got a haircut. oy.
no no no. stopit. i know what you're saying.
"oh my gosh! it's so cute! u look adorable!"
(all in ur high pitched girl voice)

let me correct you.
it's cute

i'm having a really hard time with it
because i had long hair for sooo long.

when i pull up behind a car like this.
and i'm already feeling very self concious about my hurrr...

it's inappropriate
for this dadgum car to laugh at me.
i know what you're thinking and i don't like you, car!!!

it's inappropriate
for my Lover to even THINK
he should grow a mustache.
don't worry. everyone just calm down.
it's gone now.

its inappropriate
for my little isaak and gus
to sneak over to the neighbors house
and get into their after deployment celebratory cooler of beers
(which was sitting in the driveway unattended to (??))

and then
on the driveway.
bottles and cans both.
24 beers total.

what was even MORE awesome
(and by awesome i mean not really awesome at all)
was that my neighbor felt the need to
over silly beers.
that we REPLACED for them.
gotta love ignorant people like that.

but the best part of this whole story?
the sweet voodoo doll package michele left on my porch
the next day.

it's inappropriate
for me to spy a mannequin at dicks
that apparently my friend luke was the mold for.
dear luke,
you look better with a head.
love, jess.

it's inappropriate
for you to teach you children about good music
including oldie but goodies from nsync.
oh joey. mmhmm.

though i must warn you,
by doing so, your children may be susceptible
to performing amazing dance moves
in their sleep.
which is NEVER a bad thing.

it's inappropriate
for me to always see this sign as i drive onto base.
because i immediately think it's saying something
completely different.
although still very applicable.

it's inappropriate
to perform any type of facial work in the bathroom
in any way OTHER
than sitting in your sink.
just so you know.

it's inappropriate
for you to text your father in law
(and 63239093498 other people you know)
a text as awesome as this.
but i still did.
and you should too.
do it. i dare you.

and. the. best.

its inappropriate
for my children to
melt into nothing on my floor.


lindsey said...

love reading your nonsense! :) said in the sweetest way possible of course!

Jess said...

LOL! I'm glad I get to read all about your "inappropriate" acts again! I've always loved your blog-- because it's hilarious!... duh! Keep up the good work! --no seriously, I need the laughs! ;)

Brittany@Love Stitched said...

Aaaannnnndddd this is why I LOVE YOU ;)

zoo keeper said...

Wait wait isnt JOEY from NKOTB who is the Joey form nsync?

AiringMyLaundry said...

Okay, this all made me giggle.

I love that buttcheeks comment!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said...

So I think you need to do one post a week....or two...or even three if you want to make me really happy :)

Jayme said...

I thought I was the only one to sit like that to use the mirror- My husband always makes fun of me!

Vanessa said...

At 38 weeks pregnant, there is hardly ANYTHING entertaining about getting sick, eating tums, and being awake at 4am... And then there was this blog post. You seriously just made my Monday. Thank you!

Unknown said...

i just love these inappropriate posts!

Unknown said...

ps - i would like to invite you and your readers to enter my 2nd ever giveaway. im pretty excited about it :)

Anonymous said...

love the melted child pic - awesomeness!

Ashley Eiban said...

umm your hair is adorable! i wish my hair would look cute short! and yes, of course you have to teach your kids about N'Sync! duh! :)

LOVE my two boys said...

thanks for making me laugh... AGAIN!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh the pure awesomeness of this post! I LOVED N'Sync...I even had a website...*N Sane for *N Sync...yeah..I was THAT rad!

Anonymous said...

Is it inappropriate that when I watch dance moms I think Brook's mom looks like the older version of you?

Amy Z said...

I'm just giving you some love! <3 I found your blog from all the way in New Zealand and I love it...makes me smile! So yeah...if you bring your family over here you have a place to say :) Amy :)

Amy Z said...

Oops on my last comment I meant place to stay not say. Thought I had best clear it up :)

Kate said...

Jessica, where are you? I miss reading about all your antics :) I guess it's inappropriate that I love your blog and think we'd be great friends in real life yet I've never left a comment.

Anonymous said...

please come back...i need more inappropriateness to laugh at!!!!!! seriously, i don't laugh so hard anywhere but at your blog :)


Jen said...

Hahaha I love the pants picture at the end!!!

Unknown said...

It's inappropriate that I tried the buttcheeks text on my husband, and then instead of texting back...he CALLS me and I have to deconstruct the joke for him to get it. I kid you not. Absolute...freakin'...joke not funny anymore...deconstruction.

Anonymous said...

Hi! I'm new in all this "write-blog-posts-and-visit-other". Hope you'll like mine as much as I like your funny photos + comments under them.
I smiled at every single one :)

Anonymous said...

Where have you been?! I miss you!