Wednesday, January 11, 2012

how to make friends as a grownup. do's and don'ts.

DO be friends with sexy flight attendants
because when you're traveling home to TX from NC
and you're all giddy from just having spent 11 days with your Lover
who had just been deployed for 7 months,
that sexy flight attendant WILL tell the pilot to make an announcement
over the intercom telling the ENTIRE flight about it.

DON'T be friends with anyone who can't appreciate
a good, thoughtful christmas present.

DO be friends with anyone who likes
to workout with you and will overlook
your tomato red face and sweaty crotch
after each training session.

DON'T be friends with anyone who flirts with your Lover.
although, that narrows the friendship pool down to hardly
anyone because when your Lover looks as hot as MY Lover?
it's almost hard NOT to accidentally flirt with him.
uhmm, YES.
he is making duck face.
he's sexy and he knows it.

DO be friends with anyone who will tell you
HiLaRiOUsLy inappropriate stories about her husband's past
and even post pictures of his gangster mexican phase
on your facebook wall.

DON'T be friends with anyone who is too embarrassed
to meet you and your mustache-a-wearin kids
at chick-fil-a for lunch.
cause sometimes, ya just wanna wear a mustache.

DO be friends with anyone who knows how to throw a party.
nothing. and i mean NOTHING.
is better than good food and silly games with friends.

DO be friends with people who have a lot of kids.
this way, they won't notice your kids
behaving wretchedly horrid
because they're too busy being watching their own.

DON'T be friends with anyone who won't let you
pose them for a memorable picture.

DO be friends with anyone who will bring you bread
or any homemade goodness for that matter
when your house is falling apart with sick people.

DON'T be friends with anyone who takes life too seriously.
it never turns out pretty.

DO be friends with anyone who will appreciate
the "wooden whistle"
you brought them back as a souvenir
from your trip to san francisco.

DON'T be friends with anyone who won't let you
take 724989238 million pictures together
until you get one that's just. right.

DO be friends with anyone who isn't ashamed to tell you
that you totally have a camel toe in those pants.

DON'T be friends with anyone whom you can't
text pictures of your thrift store finds to.
that right there is a rare gem my friends.

DO be friends with anyone who looks hot
in an antique store mink stole.
only good things that come from that kinda power, people.

DO be friends with anyone who will take pictures of you
looking totally hardcore while getting a tattoo.
and just to be clear,
this is an example of "someone"
NOT looking totally hardcore.
no, it doesn't hurt.

DO be friends with anyone who will run a muck
and act a fool with you in public.

DON'T be friends with anyone who has a hard time
being 100% honest.
even if it makes them sound like a total slut.
in a good way of course.

DO be friends with anyone who will buy you wax lips.
that's an easy one.

DON'T be friends with anyone who isn't on the same
nerdy internet level as you are.
it's no fun making a hilarious honey badger joke
to someone whose never even heard of youtube.

and best for last...
lemme repeat myself.
be friends with your sisters.
they'll always love you
no matter what.


jackie said...

and i want to be your friend just because of this post. well, also because of your instagram pics. you're hilar.

love the penis whistles and also the sassy flight attendant. lord knows we need some more fun loving people on our flights in america. none of this boring, grumpy grandma's in charge shit. and your tattoo pic? priceless. you fearless beast. and lastly: yes, sisters are the best friends you could ever have. amen and amen.

Anonymous said...

Great post! I love all your posts and pictures. You're too funny!

Unknown said...

Great post! I bet your girlfriends are all smiles after reading that!

everydaymomma said...

You are amazingly awesome and make me want to be just like you, I unfortunately hide my "me" ness because I'm afraid of getting crap from people, but I love reading your posts because I secrety want to let me freak flag fly;)

Leighana said...

Me gusta this post. Oh and I heard the hot guys and baby animals book is a calendar too. I soo want it..haha

Staci said...

These are excellent should probably be added to the Bible!

shear indulgence said...

always love your posts :) happy (almost) tuesday.

Lavarie - der Seifenblog said...

Absolutely hilarious! Thank you for that post!

Wichiepoo said...

Wow, this is weird, I have been looking at your blog EVERY day in hopes to see a post. I looked last night and was sooooooooooooo excited!!!!!! I look again today and see that it was posted Jan. 11??? Hmmm, something funky going on.

Happy though to see another cute post!!!! Thanks!

ag. said...

Um, I love this. That is all. : )

christine donee said...

I get tomato red face too!

it's like we are meant to be...

Teresa said...

Love your outlook on life. I agree with your does and don't s.

Lainey-Paney said...

Oh, after a post like that, I'd totally want to be your friend!

The Sugar Mountain said...

Tis is the funniest thing I've ever read. Hilarious!!!!

Taylor said...

Loved every minute (minute?) of that post. Loved! Such good advice:)

Your blog is sweet and your family is adorable!

xo Taylor