Wednesday, December 14, 2011

deep thoughts not deep toots.

at the beginning of the school year, my Lover gave each of our tErds a special father's blessing. the blessings are more for the kids going to school to bless them to do well, be a good examples for their friends, make righteous choices, etc.

as usual, Lover is prompted by the spirit to say special things in each child's blessing that pertains specifically to their needs and strengths.

i sat there that night and listened to each blessing with the spirit in my heart, so thankful that i had been blessed with 5 of heavenly father's choice spirits to live in these latter days. i had been chosen to be their earthly mother, to lead and guide them, to walk beside them. as if my testimony that heavenly father knows us better than we know ourselves wasn't strong enough, the blessings that night solidified it even more.

miah's blessing stood out very loudly for me that night.
louder than the rest of the children's blessings.
he was blessed with
the strength to do the best that he can do.
and as long as he did that,
heavenly father would do the rest.

as most of you may know, miah is adopted and since starting school, we have noticed some significant learning delays that are more than likely attributed to his genetic makeup. things that his mom, sister, brothers, cousins, etc. probably struggle with. it's been frustrating for me to watch him struggle and i'll admit that i've lost it with him more than 1 or 2 or 10 times because in the moment, i don't understand how he can't figure certain things out that seem so simple. things that jake or kora easily picked up when they were 3 or 4.

miah has been placed in special reading and math classes in each school he's attended to help him progress but here we are, halfway through his 1st grade year and he's still lagging behind significantly. sometimes when i think about it i get angry. i'm angry at the school for not helping him more and listening to me. i'm angry at his birth family for giving him this genetic makeup, and sadly, i even get angry at miah. it's been difficult for everyone to say the least.


today i was able to take the two little brothers and journey to the school for miah's christmas music program. i was late, and hot and sweaty and i was holding gus who had thrown up the night before and i was crossing my fingers he wouldn't throw up in front of everyone at the school. there was standing room only when i showed up so my arm almost broke off holding 82 lb gus the entire time.

my point is, i was annoyed.
miah had sung these songs for me at home and i wished that would have been sufficient enough so that i wouldn't have to drag everyone up there to watch it at the school.

now before you write me off as the worst mother in the world,
i WENT because i knew that miah needed to see my face there.
i KNEW that regardless of everything else, it was important for him to see his mom watching him sing.

and as i sat there dripping with sweat, shoulder to shoulder with other moms and squirmy kids, i was overcome with the spirit during "i saw mommy kissing santa clause".
i watched that sweet miah of mine with his squinty paisley eye'd smile giggle about the words to the song he was singing, doing all the hand and body motions, having fun and every now and then glancing over at me to make sure i was watching.

my heart was so warm and my eyes filled with tears.
that was my boy.
MY miah.
and then i started to think about his birth family and the joy that miah brings to our family that they're missing out on. the sweet smiles they don't get to see. the silly, very LOUD laugh they don't get to hear. the cute style he sports with his skinny jeans and his metro hair and accessories they don't get to smile at. the most sincere gift giving and acts of kindness he does for everyone that they don't get to receive or be a part of.
it hurt me.
it hurt me to think that they chose a path that would never allow them be a part of his life. i tried to put myself in his shoes and wonder what that must feel like. and then to top it off, what it must feel like to be compared to your siblings that are nothing like you. to get yelled at for things you can't control. to KNOW you're different and to try so hard NOT to be.

i know i know.
i'm a sucky mom. just defriend me now please.

during that moment of spiritual enlightenment, i thought back to the words said during miah's blessing given to him almost 5 months ago.

"you are blessed with the strength to do the best that you can do."
the best YOU can do.

not the best jakob or kora can do.
or anyone else.
and if done,
heavenly father would take care of the rest.

and then i realized the words in that blessing weren't only for miah to hear. they were for me to hear. i needed to know that miah only has to do the best he can do and that he WILL succeed because heavenly father will do the rest. i don't need to stress, or freak out or scream, or get frustrated. i need to have faith.

that doesn't mean i won't do everything in my power to make sure he gets the best education and help and resources he possibly can. or that i won't stop pushing miah to try harder and to be more focused and push forward. it just means i need to be okay with knowing that he won't ever be someone else. he will always be miah. and as long as he puts forth his very best effort in everything he does, he will be the BEST miah he can be.

and i'm 1000% okay with that :)

the brown lowes.
by miah.


Heather L said...

Ok, totally crying right now...he is lucky to have you - all of you!

Anonymous said...

Oh my...this struck me big time!! I have issues with my daughter and her struggles with school, that I get irritated when she can't pick up the concept as quickly as I'd like, and I mentally compare her with my oldest who always picked up on things quickly. I feel like a schmuck, but I'm thankful this post made me feel like that, because it shows me I need to lift her up and make her aware of her gifts from Him. Thanks lovely lady. XO

Adam & Brandi said...

As if my cold isn't making my nose run enough...
What a beautiful post, one that he will cherish as the years go by. Very well said. I am so happy that you decided to drag the babies out and go watch his sweet Christmas concert. And I'm grateful that you were touched by the spirit. Thank you so much for sharing this perfect, personal experience. I loved reading this.

Lindsay said...

miah.. i love you. thank you for letting us choose you to be in our family. and thank you sister for being close to the spirit to see the things that make you a better mom and a better person. it's so reassuring when everything else seems crazy right now. love you.

Unknown said...

What a fabulous reminder for ALL PARENTS!!!! Thank you for sharing this really spoke to my heart.

Amber Nicole said...

This post completely made me cry. Miah is so blessed to be with a family that truly loves him.
And don't beat yourself up too much, as moms we ALL have those moments of frustration and grumpyness and forcing ourselves to do things we don't want to do.

Untypically Jia said...

Totally tearing up right now. <3

One + One = Eight said...

Jessica, thank you for posting this. Your post couldnt have come at a better time.
I have been struggling with my son all year. He is ADHD and bordering on austitic (a diagnosis i dont wanna hear). It is a battle every. single. day. I dread the homework he comes home with at night. I constantly compare him to his sisters. I yell at him and scold him for his grades. I am so frustrated. I feel like I am failing as a mom. I am failing my son. THis year, seventh grade, has been the hardest. I am so overwhelmed. Why cant he be more like his sisters?
I am so glad you posted this. I needed to hear this. I need to let go and be happy that my J.T. is so different from his sisters. He is so loving. He tells me he loves me and squeezes me every day. He says I am the most important thing in his life. (yes a teenage boy tells me this) I need to be content in the thoughts that my JT is doing the best he can. I need to stop stressing and be happy I have a gorgeous son. I need to let go and let God handle the rest. So, tonight when i sit down at the table to help with homework he doesnt understand, I am gonna take a deep breath and smile because I am one very lucky mom.

everydaymomma said...

Well that's a first, you made me cry and probably will never happen again seeing as you usually make me pee myself, akward? Yes, what a beautiful post about your son and what an awesome thing you were able to step back and find some reflection, sometimes as moms this is really important.

CaryManda said...

Well, I cried through the entire post. holy crap do i ever suck it too sometimes. Thank you for opening up my eyes and giving me the kick in the arse that I needed.
Lucky Miah.
Luckier You.

jackie said...

what sweet thoughts. all he needs is for you to love him and encourage him and he'll bloom like a pretty little flower i think. having a mom who believes in you is one of the best tools you can have behind you, i'm pretty sure.

and you're not a sucky mom. you're an awesome mom. who deadlifts in ugg boots.

Allie said...


My little brother is ten years younger than me. He had such a hard time with reading and writing, my mom would get so frustrated with him and yell and scream as he tried to keep up. It didn't help I was a speed reader from an early age.

But eventually she knew something was off. She took him to get tested and learned he was severely dyslexic. And dysgraphic. She felt awful for yelling at him for something he had no control over for years.

But it happens. My mom is not terrible for how she reacted. She gave him the encouragement he needed and the help as well.

I love this post. (: Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. I am a teacher, and it is so good to be reminded of this on this day.

Thank you.

The Nugen's said...

You could have warned us with a cry alert! Thank you for sharing. You're an awesome mommy!

Camilla said...

great post! its a good thing for this momma to read and be reminded of. heck, i think its good for each of us to remember about ourselves. :)

Bonnie said...

I'm glad that you had your little epiphany, Miah needed it. Poor little guy. But you are a little hard on yourself, he's probably just as irritated with your teaching skills as you are with his math skills so I think that cancels you guys out. Miah's a smart boy, what he lacks in academic prowess he more than makes up in social graces. He'll probably be a marketing genius or a killer salesman, he'll be the "money maker" of your children and if you're patient he'll support you someday.

And one more thing, why the crap are 2nd graders singing "I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus?" Holy Crap, inappropriate!!!

erika said...

So sweet. I think all moms can identify a bit!

Val said...

Great job mama.

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Shay said...

OH Jessica! That was such a sweet post and you are such a GREAT mom!