deep thoughts not deep toots.

at the beginning of the school year, my Lover gave each of our tErds a special father's blessing. the blessings are more for the kids going to school to bless them to do well, be a good examples for their friends, make righteous choices, etc.

as usual, Lover is prompted by the spirit to say special things in each child's blessing that pertains specifically to their needs and strengths.

i sat there that night and listened to each blessing with the spirit in my heart, so thankful that i had been blessed with 5 of heavenly father's choice spirits to live in these latter days. i had been chosen to be their earthly mother, to lead and guide them, to walk beside them. as if my testimony that heavenly father knows us better than we know ourselves wasn't strong enough, the blessings that night solidified it even more.

miah's blessing stood out very loudly for me that night.

louder than the rest of the children's blessings.

he was blessed with

the strength to do the best that he can do.

and as long as he did that,

heavenly father would do the rest.

as most of you may know, miah is adopted and since starting school, we have noticed some significant learning delays that are more than likely attributed to his genetic makeup. things that his mom, sister, brothers, cousins, etc. probably struggle with. it's been frustrating for me to watch him struggle and i'll admit that i've lost it with him more than 1 or 2 or 10 times because in the moment, i don't understand how he can't figure certain things out that seem so simple. things that jake or kora easily picked up when they were 3 or 4.

miah has been placed in special reading and math classes in each school he's attended to help him progress but here we are, halfway through his 1st grade year and he's still lagging behind significantly. sometimes when i think about it i get angry. i'm angry at the school for not helping him more and listening to me. i'm angry at his birth family for giving him this genetic makeup, and sadly, i even get angry at miah. it's been difficult for everyone to say the least.

but.

today i was able to take the two little brothers and journey to the school for miah's christmas music program. i was late, and hot and sweaty and i was holding gus who had thrown up the night before and i was crossing my fingers he wouldn't throw up in front of everyone at the school. there was standing room only when i showed up so my arm almost broke off holding 82 lb gus the entire time.

anywho.

my point is, i was annoyed.

miah had sung these songs for me at home and i wished that would have been sufficient enough so that i wouldn't have to drag everyone up there to watch it at the school.

now before you write me off as the worst mother in the world,

i WENT because i knew that miah needed to see my face there.

i KNEW that regardless of everything else, it was important for him to see his mom watching him sing.

and as i sat there dripping with sweat, shoulder to shoulder with other moms and squirmy kids, i was overcome with the spirit during "i saw mommy kissing santa clause".

i watched that sweet miah of mine with his squinty paisley eye'd smile giggle about the words to the song he was singing, doing all the hand and body motions, having fun and every now and then glancing over at me to make sure i was watching.

my heart was so warm and my eyes filled with tears.

that was my boy.

MY miah.

and then i started to think about his birth family and the joy that miah brings to our family that they're missing out on. the sweet smiles they don't get to see. the silly, very LOUD laugh they don't get to hear. the cute style he sports with his skinny jeans and his metro hair and accessories they don't get to smile at. the most sincere gift giving and acts of kindness he does for everyone that they don't get to receive or be a part of.

it hurt me.

it hurt me to think that they chose a path that would never allow them be a part of his life. i tried to put myself in his shoes and wonder what that must feel like. and then to top it off, what it must feel like to be compared to your siblings that are nothing like you. to get yelled at for things you can't control. to KNOW you're different and to try so hard NOT to be.

i know i know.

i'm a sucky mom. just defriend me now please.

during that moment of spiritual enlightenment, i thought back to the words said during miah's blessing given to him almost 5 months ago.

"you are blessed with the strength to do the best that you can do."

the best YOU can do.

miah.

not the best jakob or kora can do.

or anyone else.

and if done,

heavenly father would take care of the rest.

and then i realized the words in that blessing weren't only for miah to hear. they were for me to hear. i needed to know that miah only has to do the best he can do and that he WILL succeed because heavenly father will do the rest. i don't need to stress, or freak out or scream, or get frustrated. i need to have faith.

now.

that doesn't mean i won't do everything in my power to make sure he gets the best education and help and resources he possibly can. or that i won't stop pushing miah to try harder and to be more focused and push forward. it just means i need to be okay with knowing that he won't ever be someone else. he will always be miah. and as long as he puts forth his very best effort in everything he does, he will be the BEST miah he can be.

and i'm 1000% okay with that :)

the brown lowes.

by miah.

D-Day

Well, it's the night before the BAR. I'm sitting here with a bunch of mixed emotions but overall, I'm feeling good about everything. Both Austin and I have been super stressed the past six weeks and when I say super...I mean SUPER STRESSED. We have had more trials the past 6 weeks that have tried to break us down, but I feel like we've come out on top.

A few days ago we asked a few family members to join us in a family fast on Sunday to help and pray for Austin on this test. I want to thank all of you who participated in our fast because since the fast ended our stress levels have gone WAY down. Austin and I both talked about how we feel so much more at ease, still nervous, but just in a more calm way. I know this is an answer to many many prayers.

I know that Austin has put his blood sweat and tears into studying for this exam and I KNOW that Heavenly Father will help him recall the information he learned and know when to apply it. The exam is three days long beginning tomorrow for 3 hours, on to Wednesday for 6 hours and ending on Thursday for another 6 hours.

For those of you who would like to, feel free to continue to keep Austin in your prayers throughout this week, we could sure use the added support. I know that all of you are probably sick and tired of listening to me fret about this exam, but after this week I PROMISE I won't whine about being stressed about the exam anymore (i'll only whine about the time we have to WAIT for the scores!!!).

Anyway, we love you all and we are so thankful for all you do for our family whether it be helping out with our kids or just including us in your thoughts and prayers. I'll be sure to keep you posted on everything!!! (you know I will!)

Changetime - I didn't rename the picture, that was it's name when it popped up!!

Okay so, I'm having an overwhelming day today. A few nights ago, Kora woke up in the middle of the night having a pseudo asthma attack. It was really scary because I could see all the muscles in her neck and chest sticking out as she would struggle for air making a terrible sound as she tried. It was no fun at all because I didn't have her nebulizer OR any meds to give her. We calmed her down after a bit, but she went to bed sounding terrible. I took her to the doctor on Monday to find out what the deal was. She was diagnosed with asthma about a year and a half ago, but since then, we have switched doctors and found out that the majority of her breathing problems were caused by her adenoids and tonsils being so large. Once we had them removed, I never heard any more of that bad breathing she used to do until just a few nights ago when this happened. WELL, it seems we have finally gotten to the root of her problems because she had an allergy test done and the results are crazy. She's allergic to both inside and outside mold, Bermuda grass, June grass, Johnson grass, mountain cedar, dog dander, cat dander and here's the big kicker...WHEAT AND MILK.

So this is where I start going crazy. I'm hearing this thinking, oh man...that's too bad she can't have milk or bread, UHmm...how naive was my thinking? VERY. I went online today to read about these food allergies and I'm embarrassed as to how ignorant I was (and still am) on how many things have wheat and milk in them. ALMOST EVERYTHING!

The funny thing about all of this is I KNEW IT! I know most mothers will say that, but really, I DID know it. I KNEW she had a food allergy because all the symptoms she has had throughout her little life have reflected this (bloating, asthma, rashes, stomach pains, vomiting, trouble sleeping, diarrhea - this is Kora's life, sad I know). I'm mad that I'm just now finding all of this out.

So the doctor has given her a few meds to keep the outside allergies under control, but the food thing is up to me. I have to start being 100% involved in what I buy and what I make and what she eats. I'm so bad at this. For those of you who know me I like things that are quick and easy, ready to bake cookies, frozen lasagna, you name it - if it's already made, I like it! Plus, she's SO picky and all of these things I make will have substitutes in them and who knows what she'll think of them.

I know my post is nothing but a rambling mess, but I have so much to say and it's all scattered in my brain in one huge unorganized ball of ideas...so I'm sorry about this.

Now I'd like to discuss this picture I have posted here. A few days ago, I was online doing some business, sending contracts and responding to inquiries and junk like that. WELL, I had a few windows open, the internet, my JPP paperwork, my JPP Pictures, etc. Anyway, when I was done, I started closing all my windows and at the very bottom underneath all of the windows I had open was this picture. I have absolutely NO idea where it came from. I wasn't searching for anything online, only dealing with emails. It must have popped up from who knows where. Normally my pop ups are for prescription drugs or a free sony tv if you fill out this online survey (that doesn't work by the way...I tried it) but not this time. THIS time, my pop up was of what appears to be a peanut butter sandwich with the crust eaten away. So that's when I started thinking...

This is where I get crazy, but I'd like to think of this picture as a message to me from a greater source. I don't normally like the crust of the bread, I eat it, but definitely NOT first and I always try to include a little soft white middle with each bite of crust so I don't have a mouth full of crumbly crust. If you will, notice the NAME of the picture when you move your mouse on to it. "Changetime"

I feel like this picture is saying to me that it's time for change. With all the change going on in me and Austin's life right now (money, school, the bar, our home, etc.) and now these allergies are coming in to play I feel like I'm spinning in circles. Maybe this picture is telling me that instead of eating soft white middle with each bite of crust and enjoying the sandwich with every bite, that I'm going to have to eat JUST CRUST for awhile and grin and bear it. Maybe it's telling me that it's time for some big changes and if I can suffer through these changes and be tough while I eat ALL THE CRUST, then after I get through it all what I'll have left is this soft white middle to enjoy all by itself with no more crust ever again.

Does all of this jibber jabber make sense to anyone? I just feel like Austin and I have been through so much throughout our 8 1/2 year marriage and sometime it feels like there will never be a day when we don't have to worry about money or having a home of our own. With all of these changes going on right now it seems like we are coming to a climax that we have been waiting for all these years and once we get through this climax, it will finally be smooth sailing from there on out and I look forward to that day :) I think we deserve it.

So here's to "changetime" - a crustless sandwich!