Tuesday, October 4, 2011

it's inappropriate.

it's inappropriate...
for one of my kids
to have to suffer through life
with a north carolina birth certificate
while all his siblings
have an awesome shiny texas one.

it's inappropriate...
for me to allow michele's kid
to collect feathers at the park
while i babysit him.
feathers.
*gag*
feathers that came out of the body of birds.
nasty. dirty.
infectious covered BIRDS.

but then again, he's not my kid.

it's inappropriate...
for me to have to get my boob smashed
in this horrid machine.

dear mammogram worker lady,

you're very kind and all
as you manipulate my boob to lie flat
without any creases,
but i assure you,
there is no more boob left for you to smash
no matter how much
you pull from my neck and armpit.
trust me. i've tried.

it's inappropriate...
for me to look this amazing
in this thrifted leather dress.
for some reason i just can't help myself.
when i see something this obscure.
it has to be on me.
has to.

now,
please note the lack of boobs
in the breastical section of my chest
and re-read the mammogram post
with a better visual.

it's inappropriate...
for lover to address me so formally.
but when he does,
i make sure to return the favor in my reply
using the utmost respect.

it's inappropriate...
for isaak to flip me off as he sleeps.
but frankly,
sometimes i feel the same way.

it's inappropriate...
for me to look so sexy
after i'm done cleaning the house.

this one is for you britt.

it's inappropriate...
to condemn your customers to hell
for theft.
but more importantly,
it's inappropriate
to use quotations incorrectly.
the "lord"?
so not the literal lord?
just the fake one?
meh. that's nuthin.

it's inappropriate...
for Lover,
a 35 year old man,
to put gummy worms on his fro-yo.

but what's even more inappropriate
is that i'm not looking at his yogurt.

it's inappropriate...
for my hair to give itself
a blonde streak highlight in the front.
who am i rogue? from x men?
is this 1991?

it's inappropriate...
for this baby to be used
for any type of advertising
except for maybe a medication
that turns your baby into
a 50 year old man.

and lassssssst.
always the best.

it's inappropriate...
for isaak to remove his underwear,
throw it in my dryer,
and then use it as a target
to pee on.
yes, people.
that's a river of pee
in my dryer.


26 comments:

Jennifer said...

Just another day in the life of the Lowes huh?!
All of that is inappropriate but amusing as well ;)

Crystal Renee said...

Lmbo! Hilarious. I think the pee one was the best. And naughty to drive other people to look at inappropriateness with Lover and his GUMMY WORMS! :O

Aleks said...

i look forward to these posts every week. thanks for sharing!!!

Mama Mia said...

i wish i could have been there to see how many times you gagged cleaning up the pee river in the dryer. :) hahahaha.

Morgan -Ing said...

That baby is terrifying.

Kathy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kathy said...

That sign had so many things wrong with it. If you are (you're, not your) going to steal shoes...
Also, "you" and "heaven" are apparently imitations as well.

Yikes to the river of pee.

I love the clcaning face.

You should actually post this every week like Aleks said. Yay to more posting!

Kathy said...

Also, that leather dress is anything but obscure and I love the Rogue streak.

Mel said...

Like Kathy said, "you" is also quoted so who knows WTH their even talking about.

And that pee in your dryer = #1 reason I'm terrified of having boys! :)

ines said...

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your inappropriate segments!!!

Justine said...

Your family, I LOVE!!

Just Better Together

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

I'm feelin your pain on the mammogram machine. I think big boobs have it easier all around.

MyDearJenn said...

a.) How could you let that baby have an NC birth certificate?! and b.) WORK THAT STREAK HONEY!

Rebecca Jo said...

I've been a lurker - LOVE your "inappropriate posts"... but I had to comment today because I think I've never laughed harder.

Between the "Rogue" comment - the boob smashing & of course, the PEEing in the dryer - this one was FANTASTIC today.

wildchild said...

ha eww! that pee dryer is so gross. how do you even clean that junk outta there? i feel like there's no going back from that.

and i got one of those crazy blonde streaks too. the rest of my hair is normal brown and then there's that weird thing right in the front where yours is. i actually dyed my hair last night to get rid of it and went a bit too dark... damn.

Ashley said...

HAHHHHHHHHHHHHHA! YOU ARE AWESOME!

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Christine said...

Oh my gosh, I could not stop laughing! Love your blog :)

Crystal @ New Creation said...

Hello,
This is my first visit to your blog I stopped by from seeing you on Daybook. This post was hilarious and gave me a good laugh while procrastinating on doing homework. Its all worth it now. Love your sense of humor!

God Bless,

Crystal

makefashionoracle said...

so cute kid :) new post in my blog makefashionoracle.blogspot.com

Jordyn said...

HIIII. . .
New follower - love what I see. Your family is sooo cute and so real. Such a cute post! Can't wait to read more!

Katie said...

Ohhhh I miss you! I just saw that this was new! I miss you again.

jenjamin said...

Thanks for the laugh. Too funny. Not sure how I stumbled across your blog but I am glad I did. Beautiful family.

dena said...

i'm just reading this. my fav....austin spelling breastes as it should be said. just too many s's smashed together. which reminds me of your mammogram...

JSol said...

Love your blog! Very unique way of writing!!

The Sugar Mountain said...

Wow! I'm crying I'm laughing so hard!