Friday, April 16, 2010

What's on Jessica's Phone?

It's been a while since a, whats on Jessica's phone, so this is gonna be a loooong one.
Thankfully, blogger was acting like a total freakin CHUMP and made me upload each picture,
ONE
BY
ONE.
Dang blogger.

First and foremost, my most recent MMB post is up and ready for the world to view.
Go check it HERE homies.
Okay, let's get this party started...
1. SOOOO I've been workin out pretty hardcore lately. It's gross. I get all sweaty and nasty, but it's for the good of mankind that I look decent this summer since I'll be spending EVERY SINGLE DAY living in my swimmer at the beach or pool. This is the first summer I WONT be preg in a LONG time (or at least it feel like that) so I wanna be hot.
My ultimate goal is to look like this by the end of May...

Unfortunately, it's gonna be kinda hard to attain that hotness because I don't have blonde hair like that.

Instead, right now I look like this...

Which isn't TOO bad.
So we'll see if maybe I can like buy some hair dye or sumthin. I dunno.
Otherwise I'll just have to settle with this look.
*sigh*
Anywho, spending my mornings on the treadmill have blessed me with the opportunity to enjoy the lovelies in skankville, NC.
Lookie lookie.
So I'm gonna go to the gym and burn calories, but at the same TIME, I gonna be puttin some good 'ole yummy coke in my bod to give me the energy to keep walkin.

And then there was my favorite.
Afro man with a headband.
This man, is the VERY reason I needa switch SIM cards with Lover so I can have the 3GS and use a video camera at ALL HOURS OF HE DAY.

The picture of course doesn't show the lovely head jammin this guy was doing. He was seriously ROCKIN OUT on the elliptical. Like, I was really impressed with his awesomeness and I, for a moment, coveted his bravery and boldness.
You go afro dude. Work it!
2. During my trip to Texas I enjoyed many tasty deeelights. One of which being divinely made BBQ.
Dear NC,
Your BBQ sucks. You have no idea what REAL BBQ is. You never will. I keep giving u 2nd and 3rd and 34537356758654 chances but still...you keep sucking. Your vinegar mix of nasty juice and pork are NOT HOT. I wanna throw up in my mouth thinking of that concoction you call "bbq sauce". Mmmmm, No. Take for a moment and look at what REAL BBQ looks like.
Grossed out,
Jessica.
Oh my heavenly yummyness.
Wicked sweet fried okra.
Sausage. SAUSAGE PEOPLE!
Sliced BEEF. Not pork. It's BEEF.
Oh beef.

And then MY food.
A baked potato bigger than my head with about 2 cups of melted butter and cheese and then 346 lbs of chopped BEEF.
I'm drooling.

3. Izey loves the swing at the park.
Izey DOESN'T love sharing his swing at the park.
I think I might try this with Lover if he's up to it one day.

3. This is for my deEr friend April.
I saw this at the...whatever that hunting store is called and thought of how she uses fart spray at her desk when she can't control her bodily functions and doesn't want the other co-workers to "sniff" her out.

4. My August loves Michele. He really does. One Sunday during sacrament he loved her too much and fell into a sleeping trance on her chest. He wanted everyone to know he had been there so he left her a nice drool puddle on her ultra thin shirt.

5. So here's a little story in pictures.
One time I was using this...

And then I glanced down in the sink and noticed this...

And then I realized my blow dryer might be a tad too hot.

6. So while in OK/AR visiting Lover's family, we went to a track meet for his cousin. I had to stop this poor young boy and ask to photo his jersey. He wanted to make sure that if I took a picture, I wouldn't be posting it on the internet, making fun of it.
I assured him,
I would.

7. Never. EVER.
Eva eva eva.
Mess with Lover and his ice cream and iphone.

8. Or izey for that matter.

9. I saw this necklace at Banana Republic and
I
MUST
HAVE.
But it was $98,
and I only had like $2.50.
SO I took a picture of it and I plan on reproducing it.
Do you think I can?
Do you dare me to try?

10. In the bathroom of my church there sits this lovely paper towel holder.
Apparently the church goers think that the paper towels IN the paper towel holder have legs and plan to escape.

11. Have I done this one already on a previous post?
If I have, it deserves another look.
Since when did they start packaging tErds?

12. Siamese strawberries.
To separate or not to separate?

13. My lover loves me. One time I was sick and asked for some Sprite.
He brought me some.
All blinged up.

14. Michele is kinda white trash and she keeps like 31 old tires in her front yard just to make sure all her neighbors KNOW she's white trash. It's so fun for the kids.

15. This is a REAL toilet that my Lover's Aunt has in her home.
Looks normal enough, right?

But wait,
over here on the wall are these lovely buttons.
I think I need one of these kind of toilets.
Say it with me,
"Front cleansing"

16. One time Miah got a big 'ole remote control 4 wheeler.
Then Kora put it on her head and taunted Miah not to make it go with his remote.
Miah doesn't do well with taunting.

That'll teach her.

17. And to end this lovely post o mine, I have a picture of the biggest jerk on the face of the planet. Remember when I went to Texas with Gussy and there was a mean man who kept giving me dirty looks and saying, out loud, "Well, THIS is gonna be a long flight." because Gus was crying.
I would like for the WORLD to see him.
Know this face.
And next time you happen to cross paths with him.
Kick him in his *&#$!

THE END!

16 comments:

Brandi said...

... now you know I gotta ask who you flew on? : p

LOVE the photos ... poor Kora! LOL

oh and that toilet reminds me of the fancy toilets in Japan. I love the fancy toilets in Japan, oh yes I dooo.

Amber said...

Welcome back Jessica, we sure have missed you in the blogging world!

Loved all the pics! WTC was up with that women walking on the treadmill in JEANS?!?! If you look closely, it looks like she wet herself!

And that baked potato looks like dog barf!

We know why ALL babies love laying on Michele.....

And I think you will look like Gisele and I will look like Pamela this summer...except for the whole blonde hair thing.

kimmy said...

ok so you post those gorgeous bods, working out....than ALL THAT BEEF!!!! man your making me hungry! now i'm curious what TX bbq tastes like. :) oh and i'm sure all boys/men...and girls for that matter would drool on Michele if she let them!

LOVE lover's face! hahahahahaha

Kathy said...

I was just thinking of unloading my phone pics on my blog post. Now I really want to. BTW, I think the second hot bod, is awesome! I would rather look like that one.

Shaunaaaaaaa said...

I must say a big fat thank ya for making me laugh! My moms weirdo husband has that same toilet, lovin the Michele drool (I mean drool on Michele), I love okra,I love jeans workout lady, and I'm sure you can duplicate that necklace, so DO IT!

Chernobyl said...

I def think the chick in the second photo is hotter. Mostly because she's not TRYING to be a skank. Texas BBQ is obviously superior to any other.
Can I just be stupid and say that I don't get bidets? I mean is that water shooting up at you coming from the same place that you just dropped the goods? Maybe you can do an expose on those tricksy foreign toilets. Meanwhile, we'll keep our eyes out for Mr. "I have no patience for small people that make noises."

shinergirl said...

I do have to agree with an earlier comment - you've been missed.

Yes, Texas BBQ is the best, most superior BBQ on the planet.

Seriously - who works out in jeans and drinks a coke at the same time - someone not serious about weight loss.

Gisele's body is totally hotter then Pam's.

Yes, you can totally re-create the BR necklace - get on it.

Poor Kora...

Izey is a DOLL!!!

Get a new hair dryer.

haagx5 said...

such a cute post! made me day, i'll be looking for that jerk when i fly cross country to VA this summer with my 3 crazy kids :)

amylouwho said...

where to start?

I will be sure to NEVER be in front of you on any machine at the gym.

I've never like NC vinegar based bbq either. I do however enjoy SC mustard based thick and spicy sauce. Never had TX bbq - but my hubs likes it - he lived there for a while.

you are funny.

Lindsay said...

i agree Giselle's body makes me leap for joy while pam's makes me feel dirty. I wanna be hot like that too. I am in the i 140's now!!!! finallY!!! you and i sister are gonna be hot momma's on the beach. heck YEAH.

leslie mae said...

So I just happened upon your blog and I am so excited! My husband just joined the Army; we're a little nontraditional in that we waited so long. We have 4 kids. He leaves in July for BCT. I look forward to reading your blog!

my blogs are:
www.getoffyourbuttandgetfit.blogspot.com

www.photowalkwithme.blogspot.com

Birdie said...

Gus makes church like a wet t-shirt contest for me. And if my memory serves me, I had some pretty trashy help getting all those tires loaded up...

Birdie said...

Gus makes church like a wet t-shirt contest for me. And if my memory serves me, I had some pretty trashy help getting all those tires loaded up...

Hillary N said...

you should do more waz o jessica's phone blogs..too funny..seriously, i would have all kinds of sweat marks in weird places if i worked out in JEANS!!, and i agree with everyone else, I like Giselle natural body better, but I'm excited to see Amber look like Pamela Anderson this summer..;)
So what you're trying to say is..you're a Vegetarian?..;p
And i love the pic of your pissed off lover, classic..
And stupid people on stupid plane..what the hell are you going to do, ya know? people need to chill out, or they can get themselves a private plane..GOSH!...(like April says, hehe)

Marcie said...

I just have to say that I LOVE your blog....you have me hooked! I was just breezing through random blogs and came across more. YOU.ARE.AMAZING!! And who does your photography? Probably you. But how did you get your main pic? Anyhow, just had to tell you that you ROCK....thank you! :)

Anonymous said...

As the guy above said