Friday, January 15, 2010

Flashback Friday

(I meant noon Pacific time)
The last few weeks have been killing me with one certain child of mine.
One certain child you probably don't think I'm talking about.
9 1/2 years ago you came into this world.
You were a 4th generation Lowe man child.
Something to be proud of...
or so I'm told!
Where did that tiny little body go? Those tiny hands?
Those sweet rosy lips that never talked back?
Austin, Pops, Pa Lowe (Pops' Father) and Jakob

I cherished every moment I had with you because you were my one and only.
We did everything together.
Where did that big bald head go? Those skinny little leggies that wrapped around me as I held you? Those sweet blue eyes that would fill with tears if I ever left you? Those arms that held me and thought I was the greatest thing since milk?
Those thighs? Arms? Skinny Face???
(I'm talkin about mine)
Me and Jake, summer 2001

Bigger and bigger you got and more and more fun you became.
You were a little jokester.
Where did that silly laugh go? That face that lit up every time you woke up beside me? Your sweet smell as I would lay down with you every time you'd take a nap to get you to fall asleep? were spoiled. And I loved it :)

Even after a new baby sister joined you in this family, you continued to brighten our day.
Where did that helpful big brother go? The one who would never lay a mean finger on his sister? The one who never fought or hit or tattled or screamed at his siblings?

You were every one's favorite.
Baby Jake.
Everyone loved to be around you.

Where did that fun personality go? That excited look in your face as you would try to tell us a story about something that happened to you? That sweet stutter because you couldn't get the words out fast enough?

PawPaw, Jake and Me

No matter how big or small, how old or how young, you were perfect company for all.

Where did that little man go? The one who would give me 50 hugs and kisses all day long? The one who never got tired of cuddling with me on the couch and watching movies?

Granny Kay (Austin's grandmother) and Jake

Everyday was an adventure. Everyday was a memory. Everyday was perfect.
I can't remember a day when I felt like you were too much to handle. You stayed up late with us because you were fun to be around. You made life have purpose. You made me thankful for Heavenly Father's plan for eternal families. I never wanted to be without you, not for a second!
Where did you go?
Jake and PawPaw on Halloween

It seems like overnight (and 4 more kids) you grew into this young man.
This "tween" soon to be TEEN.
This kid who is emotional and stressful and confusing.
Who fights and bugs and annoys his siblings.
This kid I seem to be distant from.
I feel like I don't understand you no matter how hard I try.
Maybe I wasn't meant to mother big kids...only babies??
I dunno.
I just know it's hard,
ENTERING hard and it makes me nervous.
I wanna do it all right but I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.
I miss those baby days.
How simple life was then.
But now, I have to deal with tween days.
and probably a lot more letters like this...

Heaven help me.


Katie said...

I think this is something that the eldest child in a family is notorious for doing. My mom pulled out some letters like that over Christmas that my sister had written her when she was around that age. We got a good laugh.

And did you choose this word that I am about to have to type for word verification?!

Candace said...

Oh my, I can't imagine how that letter made you feel, but I know I'll get my fair share of those from Emma. She's very emotional and already demands that I MUST listen to everything she thinks and wants and ever has to say no matter the circumstances. If I silence her for any reason, she nearly always collapses into a breakdown.

You're not alone, sweet mama!

Bonnie said...

Man, I feel so bad for Jake. Just send him my way, I would never make him feel like a retarded useless piece of crap!

So you want to know what I think that you should do? I think that you should write a really long sweet loving letter to him and put it secretly under his pillow. Don't tell him anything bad, just go on and on about how much you love him and how much he helps you and that you will try better.

I just know that once when I wrote a crazy letter like that threatening to run away, a letter like that would have made me so happy and probably would have made me feel guilty for wanting to leave. But that's just my opinion.

Good luck with those tweener years.... I'm glad I have you to go through i before me so you can give me fair warning for what I can expect.

Camilla said...

Aw man, I cried. I'll admit right now. I've heard a lot about how older kids are harder than little kids because of the emotional demands. This is giving me a little idea of the validity of that point. I think Bonnie's love letter idea sounds fantastic. Or maybe a date with just you and Austin? I was the oldest and I remember how I always felt neglected because it seemed like everyone else came before me. Now that I'm a mom I get it but back then I didn't. Sounds like he needs some extra validation. I know you're a good mom and Jake is a good kid. Good luck with this one.

On another note, I can't believe your hair was ever that short! Thats about how short mine is right now. I loved it when I got it cut but today I'm having a "what the heck was I thinking?" day....and I've never been that skinny. I hate you. ;)

Lil Eskimo said...

thanks for the hope ;). i'm with bonnie, perfect this, so when we need ya, you can dole out the help!

i second bonnie's idea about reassuring him.

and, jake, if you read mom's blog, hi! your mom IS crazy (just a little :), but she loves you deeply. hang in there and keep telling mom and dad what you need. and, don't runaway...i don't know of another house with as many yummy snacks as you have, seriously.

Kathy said...

Everyone I know that has a nine-year-old is banging their head against the wall if that makes you feel better.

Joanna said...

Oh my goodness, I read this post and thought, Huh? Does she know my 9n year old daughter? Is she talking about her?!! What the?!! I am SO relieved to read your post, because my 9 year old has been impossible lately! Emotional outbursts, answering back, asserting her independence. Oh my. I guess we just hang in there and do our best, right?!

Definitely keep the letter - it's a classic!!

Tara said...

yup, we could swap stories. My therapist said not to give attention to stuff like that. They are just expressing themselves. Reinforce how much you and Austin love him. A nice letter is good idea, like Bonnie said, but don't let him think it's in response to this, or he will think this is a way to get attention and love, by guilting you to it with a letter. They are his feelings, he is entitled to them, but it's not something you need to make a big deal out of. It's normal. Have fun! ;)

Valinda said...

I think Fred and Jake and Joanna's daughter ought to be locked up together so they can all talk about how mean and awful their moms/families are and get it all out! Once they feel better then they can come back home and hopefully they will be normal people again.

I have tried doing nice things just for Fred and letting her know just how cool we think she is but she isn't grateful and just tells me that I lied about liking her when I tell her no about something later.

*Bang* *Bang* *Bang* my head against a wall ...

raschel said...

THe letter made me LOL. Especially the "PS. Don't reply" part. I dunno what to say...but I think you're a great mom and I look forward to hearing how you handle the situation cuz it's gonna prepare me, I just KNOW it.

PS. Stupid word verification. :P

Froggylady said...

whoa, skinny minny! Too skinny, you were a skeleton.

I hope you stop being a butthole and don't reply to Jakob's letter. I think it's a good thing that he gets out his feelings, and doesn't really expect a response, is just telling you how he feels. Very healthy (if you ask the mom of a two year old little girl that as no clue how to handle tween/teens).

Carolina said...

I feel like I'm not qualified to even comment on this post...or on your blog at all for that matter...why you ask?

CUZ IM NOT A MOM!!! hahahahaha!!!

Ok..I'll stop being a terdhoochieface and tell you that I have no idea what to say about this issue, but that I thought I'd leave you a comment since ya love em'

Jakes letter is soo funny and tragic at the same time. Remember what it was like to be that age? It was AWFUL!! He's just starting to figure himself out.


The Nugen's said...

Poor Jakob! So sad. Did you tell him he is my favorite Lowe because he drew my sis' name?? That will make him feel better. :)

Aymee said...

I love Jakob's letters! I want to be his pen pal. He's such a sweet boy.

Laura said...

dude, i'm still laughing about the selfish butthole part. And as a frazzled mom myself, I don't think you need to blame yourself--we yell, we make people feel like retarded pieces of crap. It's in the job description. And frankly, sometimes they've earned it. But he'll survive--everyone needs to throw themselves a pity party now and then. He'll be over that before he forgives you for posting it on here for everyone to read...

Brandi said...

man oh man your babies look so alike when babies! : D

I do love your hair short too!

AND Jakob always has the best letters, even if they are sad like this one. Poor guy is going through a phase I'm sure. Being a tween really does suck sometimes. : / I bet it's a little harder when you are the oldest of five kids too, but one day he will come around and be that little boy you've always loved. : )


Kaci said...

Sweet Jakob...I remember him visiting at Outback and was the most precious thing! This makes me want to freeze time and not let Kade grow up.

Stephanie Kelly said...

hahah that letter is sad (but funny and full of DRAMA)! And you look too sickly skinny in that boat picture..the short hair is cute!

Anonymous said...

Man, they really know how to work the system! My older daughters have attempted to escape a few times. I finally told them to pack their bags and see how far they could go - the oldest made it about 3 miles and pooped out. That phase passed shortly after that. We are all pulling our hair out trying to be good moms, right? Just remember and repeat after me..."In ten years, I will laugh about this..."

(**HUGS**) -- Cheryl (blogger won't accept my password right now - grrr...)

andi said...

He's quite eloquent, however...

Giaellis2 said...

I know the feeling. You often make me feel like a retarded useless piece of crap as well even though I am a selfish butthole too! :) The tweens/teens are soooo dramatic. Everything sucks and everything is unfair and horrible.............I remember it well. He's typical and normal for his age. You're a GREAT family and you are great parents, so I wouldn't worry about it. You should worry more about NEVER cutting your hair like this again and never walking on stick legs like that again as well! You should be proud of his letter writing skills though - at least you know he's paying attention in school :)

Lindsay said...

what!?!? aren't you the same sister who got ON to me about silly "word verification"? and i'm wondering if you picked mine as well.. it says.. cankel. HAH. poor jakob. i love him so. i miss him so. i want to be near him to help him. i'm sorry. i'll say prayers for him. i love you jakob lowe.

David and Teresa said...

Please everybody be nice to my Jakob. He is the best big brother, son, grandson, and friend you could have. Here is a hug for my Jakob. Huggggggggggg. Love Paw Paw

Austin said...

I wrote a letter about how my children treat me. I'm tired of them making me feel like a big, fat, mean dad. All I do is love, nurture, and provide for my children and this is the kind of letter I receive from Jake. Don't let him fool you. He has been a terd lately. He won't listen, he talks back, and treats Jess likes she is beneath him. Don't let the letter get to you. You are playing into his trap. BEWARE!

Austin aka Lover

Goodnight moon said...

First things first, don't you wish you would've kept his Micheal Jackson t-shirt for Izey and Gus to wear!

2nd, the pic of your dad/panda....he has a knife in his shirt!

And the that what he has been working on writing you in his "office space"?

Seriously, I will pray for you!

word verif: subout

Unknown said...

what a cutie. love seeing ya'll grow up. :) so funny he wrote that and then didn't want you to rely!