Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My New Campaign. And Junk.

So I have a new plan.
As most of you may already know, I'm a HUGE Ellen Degeneres fan. I think she might very well be one of the funniest people I know (not personally but...yea).
I watch her show religiously. Almost MORE than religiously cuz I tape EVERY SINGLE EPISODE and make sure to watch them but I missed church two Sundays ago and I didn't tape that.
Most of you may ALSO know about her campaign she started last January to be on the cover of O Magazine with Oprah. It only took her an ENTIRE year of persistent campaigning to finally get the cover. The December issue is her long awaited prize.
YaY for Ellen!!
Seeing Ellen reach her goal makes me feel a little ambitious.
I started thinking that maybe if I campaign for an entire year then I can have what I dream of too!
So here it is...
I WANNA BE ON THE ELLEN SHOW!!!!!!!!
Dear Ellen,
I think your show is fabulous. You make me laugh out loud every morning. My Penny guy and I can't resist dancing with you. We rock out in our PJ's with our bed hair and bad breath after the big kids leave for school. It makes us smile. Little August is also learning some dance moves and before long he'll be shakin his bootie right along side us.
I think you should invite me to be a guest on your show because it sounds super dreamy. I can be the spotlight mommy blogger who keeps it real (almost TOO real) with her white trash moments, weekly-wanna be's, lists of Junk and other crazy adventures. I'm pretty sure it'll be the most watched show on daytime television. I bet more people will watch the show than buy your Oprah cover magazine. Not to compete with you...I'm just sayin.
Don't worry. You have a year to give in to my request. So don't make any rushed decision just yet. Give it time. I know you'll fall in love with my offer.
Eeny-way (like Nacho says it),
I'll see you soon. Peace out.
Jessica
Sooooooo,
my day pretty much sucked.
First of all, I was told I absolutely, 100%, do NOT look like this girl.

OR
this girl.

And there wasn't any follow up like,
Her eyes are too squinchy or
Her cheeks are too round or
Your lips are thinner or
You're ten times hotter.
Nope.
It was more like,
Uhmm NO.
You're chubby,
have a FUPA,
wrinkles,
sickly white skin,
dark circles around your eyes,
saggy tube sock boobs with sand in the bottom of them,
mom butt,
fat knees,
you smell like spit up all day long,
you never bathe and if you do it's in recycled water,
and...
lots more.
In you're freakin dreams.

Soo, that kinda made me feel a little sad. I mean, it's not like I already feel incredibly self conscious about my looks right now. I mean, I AM a little busy with 900 kids to be able to take care of myself. I barely have time to wipe my butt and brush my teeth so that makes me feel really pretty. Plus my hair is super tangly and stripper-ish like ALL THE TIME. You'll see. I have a picture.
Whatever.
And then after that comment, things just seemed to fall apart the rest of the day.
Whiny grounded Miah who had to stay indoors ALL DAAY LOONG.
Groundings are defintely worse for the parents.

Puking crying babies that won't sleep for hours and HOURS and HOURS.

Trash strewn all over the house because my Penny likes digging in it.

Chocolate chips scattered in the entry to greet our guests.

A kajillion dirty bottles with a kajillion dirty parts that need TWO hands to be able to hand wash them all.

Clean laundry that just can't seem to get put away.

Snotty gooey noses that won't be wiped all day because there just isn't enough time, let alone hands to do it.

And like I said before,
Nasty stripper hair turned rat nest because there's no time to wash or brush it.
That really is my hair.
No for real, it is.
I can't wait for this day to be over.
And to make matters worse, I've been getting whiffs of butt ALL day and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from until just now.
Okay so this is random,
Do any of you notice that you're pierced ear holes smell like booty when you rub them? Apparently, when you have stripper hair that wraps around your earrings because it's a rats nest, it contracts the booty smell as well and then every time you turn around your booty hair sends a whiff of nasty to your nose.
I'm just sayin.
It makes a bad day even stinkier.
Here's to tomorrow.
Less boogers, booty smells and tangles.
PS. You wanna know how my statcounter tells me your name?
It doesn't.
A little birdie named Lindsay told me :)
Bet I made you nervous huh?

19 comments:

Carolina said...

LOVE ELLEN...FULL LOVE!! Since I'm not working and have nothing else to do I now have joined those that CAN watch her everyday!! I fully support your wish to be on her show! Hope your readers/friends can help!

I hope for you, that this day would be over too.

And tell my why I actually knew someone (well saw them quite often) that really had hair like that pic! FOR REAL! She was a passenger on our buses and stuff, like bugs would crawl out of it. Once I saw her walk by me and I almost had a panic attack! It was all bad!! I just knew you wanted to know that!

kimmychan1967 said...

yeah...i can see ashley judd! would LOVE to see you on Ellen! I don't watch all the much, but love her when i do. great pic of penny, can't even see any boogers. ;)

TanyatheMom said...

I HATE those days, and you do look like a cross between Ashley Judd and Ellen Pompeo....but like 1000 times hotter! Hope there are less boogies and poop smell tomorrow for you....there must be something in the air as my day is in the same section of the catalog as yours. I FULLY support your Ellen show request! Put Jessica on Ellen! I'd watch....have a good night!

raschel said...

I love Ellen too! I could see why people say you look like Ashley Judd, and that pic of Ellen Pompeo (sp?!) is pretty, but lately on Grey's, she hasn't looked good to me, so you definitely don't look like her (and I'm afraid to say why b/c I swear any time I talk negatively about a person, I get whatever horrible thing I make fun of...but I'm gonna say it...her mouth wrinkles, they remind of the of the shrink's horrible ones that Meredith had to see for a while on the show). THat pic of Miah is so funny! Poor guy (and Momma). And, I was gonna ask, do you think Gus has reflux? Makena had it BAD...like needed Rx's bad...and she'd scream and cry and arch her back while eating and would wake up randomly screaming during naps/night (and she was more of a "silent spitter" meaning, it didn't necessarily come all the way out all the time, but it would hurt on it's way up). Hopefully it's just a growth spurt and he'll be over it soon. ...I noticed you switched to Dr Brown's, do you like those better? And, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about w/ the ears....have you tried squeezing the hole to get the puss to come out? I can usually get a goo of it out and it's SO SMELLY and kind of awesome.

Amanda said...

okay you made me feel better about the bad day I had yesterday b/c I only have like 300 children to keep up with and not 900 like you;) I hope u get on Ellen...I'd watch for sure and I never do...although I do think she's funny:)

Valinda said...

I think all of your readers and followers should write an email to Ellen everyday until she gives in. I hope tomorrow is better.

***** said...

I really like being your friend. You freakin' Rock! Cheers tomorrow!

***** said...

I really like being your friend. You freakin' Rock! Cheers tomorrow!

***** said...

I really like being your friend. You freakin' Rock! Cheers tomorrow!

Willis Party of 6 said...

I think what SS is trying to say is....she really likes being your friend, because it freakin' rocks!

Not sure if you got her message or not!

Thanks for my yummy treats! Glad you could work making them for me in your nasty booty day! I LOVED them!

And at first glance, I thought that stripper hair was the back of the Tree Man!!!

dena said...

if you have a dishwasher and haven't got the dr brown dishwasher baskets, get some. i have dr b and use them religiously at least once a day. i know they're pricey and you know how cheap i am, but i'm tellin' ya, it's nice.

mmm..chocolate chips as a welcome present...he's my kinda man!

Katie said...

Okay, so I am either:
a) bringing you bread tomorrow
b) taking your two little ones and sending you to bed or to the spa then taking ALL of them so you and Austin can go on a date night
c) washing all those bottles for you
d) making you a couple frozen dinners
e) all of the above
Sound okay with you?

The Nugen's said...

Tell us where to send a letter to Ellen to get you on the show and I will send one out for you!

Dana said...

Girl I hate to be comment 14 because i know you like 13.. but i have to say.. where did you get a picture of that hairy dude.. yuck.. I saw a guy at the galleria's play area last week that i thought looked nasty but that is the worst...

Lindsay said...

yup.. you don't look like either of them. you're too crazy... you've got a twitchy eye. it makes me nervous. okay.. and if you are going to campaign to be on ellen you better have a HELL of a revamp!!! you gotta make this blog SING! you hear me!!! k. also.. i wanna go with you when you go. k cool. :)

andi said...

You make me laugh. You should be on Ellen just for that fact alone.

And yeah, my earring holes smell the same way- it's totally gross. Just put some hydrogen peroxide on them (you know, in your spare time...)

I see you got some Doc Brown bottles- like them? And their million parts? But seriously, they're worth it.

David and Teresa said...

Baby I love Ellen also. Yeah!! Now just hang in there. You donot look like those girls BUT I think you are more beautiful both inside and outside. As for the booty smelling ears....Clean ears are so overrated...LOL! Love you, MUtha

Chernobyl said...

Belly buttons stink too...are you sure it wasn't wafting up from there?

Laura said...

i'm still curious who the Jackass was that told you all those lovely things...or were you having a conversation with yourself? Ease up--you're still in newborn phase and you've got at LEAST 9 months before you can start giving yourself a hard time about the fat knees and mom butt.