Monday, September 21, 2009

Blurred and Out of Focus

If you've been following my Facebook Status you'll know that the past few days have left me a little depressed, grouchy and sad. I'm feeling the effects of what the last month of pregnancy kindly offers us women.
Kora took this picture of my acting silly for Penny and at first glance I said to her,
"Oh nice...I look hee-dee-ous (nacho libre)"
But then I looked at the picture again and realized that it describes me to a T right now.
Out of Focus
In Disguise
Falling Apart
And Black.

Don't leave me a comment that says any of the following:
"You look great!"
"You're almost done, just hang in there!"
"I know how you feel but the reward is worth it!"
Or any other CRAP like that.
Let me whine. I don't do it often (except to My Lover who hears it daily but that's because that's what he's there for).
Instead, I want you to leave me a comment that will make me laugh.
A Joke?
A Funny Memory?
A Slam to my Self-Esteem?
The Funniest comment wins a prize, judged by myself and my Lover.
A GOOD one at that.
You WON'T be disappointed!


dena said...

i can't decide if you're trying to lick your nasty "i never take a bath" armpits or your boobididles that are overflowing into them.

Bonnie said...

You know what you are? I'll tell you.... you are a homeschooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of me... and a back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag.



Laura said...

You should go get your hair dyed at the same place that did Kempys to match your Elvira themed black wardrobe and overflowing elvira bosoms. And please tell me those are child sized goggles or something and your head is not just retaining water...

Kathy said...

I know what this is. It is practice. The goggles are your way of getting your "eyes on the prize." Just focus baby.

The tongue? Well, I can only assume that you are getting ready for when you doctor tells you to just give a little push so that you can go from a nine+ to a ten. Then, when you do this, the baby will crown and your doctor will frantically tell you to PANT because he is not ready-no cover-up for his scrubs, no handy-dandy tool cart, nothing but his bare (gloved) hands.
See what a good OB patient you are?

Deanna said...

Jess, you look great! You're almost done, just hang in there! I know how you feel but the reward is worth it! :)~

You should wear those goggles everywhere.

Here's my stand by joke, because I am so creative (can you hear the sarcasm?). I'm sure you've heard it before...Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.

The Nugen's said...

Ok, super cheesy joke ahead.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea??

Scroll down....wait for it...

Cuz if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls (bagels)!!!!


Ok here's one from my hubby...

Did you hear about the Indian who drank 100 gallons of iced tea??

They found him dead in his tea-pee!!!

(mine is better). :}

Aymee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aymee said...

K, I deleted my comment because of a misspelling, now here it is....

Here's my joke (because it makes me laugh every time I share say it, even though it could be considered a "laffy taffy" joke):

What kind of "B" produces milk?

And this will be true for you in the near future...rock on, rock tits!

Erica said...

Ok...I couldn't think of anything funny to write because I couldn't get over the disturbing, freaky, creepy, no-wonder-you-are-grouchy picture you put with this blog. And I'm not referring to the distorted face that is yours. I'm talking about the paranormal, freaky a**ed reflection in your mirror. WTC is that?!?!?!?! Some deformed, been dead in the ground and rose to haunt you, cabbage patch look a like face???? No wonder you're having a rough time, with creatures like that roaming in the shadows. Good grief!

p.s. I hope to God that isn't one of your precious children or Lover out of focus, cause then I'll feel bad :) Hope you feel better!!

kelly manz said...

nacho libre? let's hope so considering it means nacho free...which you better be before you start pushing or you're gonna sh!t chips and cheese (jalapenos optional) all over the table!

joke? what has 75 balls and screws old ladies? BINGO!

Chernobyl said...

All right you asked for it. I can't be witty on command so listen to these nuns instead. You have to watch the WHOLE thing.

Karen Valinda said...

My 16 year old son walked behind me as I scrolled to your picture and said "Dude, now that's what I call sexy!" He does NOT use 'dude' unless it is to underscore something goofy but orange IS his favorite color so I am guessing that is what caught his eye and being way past bedtime apparently is as hard on the eyesight as I hear drinking can be! ;-}

Goodnight moon said...

Once upon a time, I had "this" friend that I had met, and invited her and another "friend" over to my house for Halloween. We enjoyed some yummy sloppy joe's before we all headed out to trick or treat.

As we are all walking through my neighborhood...."this" friend of mine said that she really needed to change her tampon. "This" friend, said that it felt like it was going to come out. We were too far from my house to go back and use my bathroom, so "this" friend of mine, went behind some bushes, in the pitch black of the night, where spiders were probably ready to jump on her back, and a cop car was driving by with his bright light out. "This" friend of mine, dropped her panties...and pulled out the old rag, and replaced it with a fresh one. know what "this" friend of mine did with that nasty old bloody rag...she left it in the bushes for some child to find it in the daylight and run up to his mommy holding it and asking his mommy "what is this", or an animal to come by and think that its fresh meat and begins to eat on it BUT really dies because the cotton gets lodged in its throat, or a cop car "spot light's" it.

But in the end, "this" friend of mine, went on to have more rags, more rags that she "disregaurded" in a better way.

The End!

Bonnie said...

Don't you mean "discarded" Amber?

Crystal Renee said...

Ok.. here's one:
Thibodaux was driving his car past Beaudreaux's house and saw a sign that read: "BOAT FOR SALE"

Thibodaux marches up to Beaudreaux's front porch and wraps hard on the door and Beaudreaux opens it.

Thibodaux say, "Beaudreaux! How long we ban frands?"

Beaudreaux say, "Well ... All our lives Thibideaux"

Thibodaux say, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"

Beaudreaux say, "I ant gotta boat!"

Thibodaux say, "Da' sign say; "BOAT FOR SALE".

Beaudreaux say, "OH-NO Thibodaux! ... See dat old '72 Ford pickem'up truck over-dare"

Thibodaux say, "Yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck"

Beaudreaux say, "See dat '76 Cheverloet Ce-dan"

Thibodaux say, "yas, I see dat Ce-dan"

Beaudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale."

Oh.. hold on, I have another one
A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Nobel Peace prize.
I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?"
He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field."
(Why the blond jokes, lol)

Jessica, I have more for ya but these are more found on bumper stickers:

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.

If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.)

If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde")

Remember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Boldly going nowhere.

Cat: The other white meat.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

P.S. You look great, you are almost there, and the outcome is WORTH it ;)

Unknown said...

To my friend who will send me boobies on demand...or even if i just ask a question (yes i already got the booby prize so this isn't for a prize):

Q: What are the terrible twos ?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey

Q: What are night terrors ?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for

Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you

Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" is a concern for you

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant

Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question ?

hehehe...luv ya jess!!!! get that baby out soon already, will ya!!!!

Goodnight moon said...

Bonnie.....that was the punish line:)

Giaellis2 said...

Ok, apparently I am not as good of a stalker as you are since Kelly had to tell me about this post! First of all....I will NOT take this bate and try to come up with something funny or witty just to make YOU laugh! Whay is it ALWAYS about you? I've decided you are a HIGH maintenance friend that has A LOT of needs! We all tried to cheer you up so you wouldn't slit your wrists the other day, but that wasn't good enough! Nooooooooooooo, you call that "CRAP"!! We all poured our hearts out and admit to being LESS-THAN-SUPER moms that need meds just to cope and/or function on a day to day basis and you POO POO it just like that! Maybe ANOYN was right about you! (Where is that jackass these days anyway? Surely HE has something funny to say! I say HE cause no woman is that ignorant) Anyway, why don't you go strip off your black, Jewish, "sitting Shiva" mourning attire and stand in front of the mirror, staring at your National Geographic Zulu Warrior titties with peperoni nipples and then hold a mirror between your knees so you can SEE Barbara and apologize to HER for the HAVOC you have reeked on that thing! Talk about depressed and sad.........she used to be a tight little bearded clam package and now hangs like roast beef curtains! The poor dear! Not to meantion EVERY time she turns around there's a dude named HEMI right behind her! Stop your pity party and try birth control instead of paxil! Maybe keeping up with the Douggards (sp?) isn't your forte slut! Keep those legs closed! Lover can make new friends with the lotion bottle!

Q: What do you call a masturbating cow?

A: Beef strokinoff!

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now laugh beyatch and get over yourself! UGH!

Unknown said...

You need to leave these contests open for longer because I would have won!! Ask Lindsay about the videos we watched when I was at her house. We. Nearly. Died. I don't know that I have EVER laughed that hard.

David and Teresa said...

My comment is late but sincere and probably won't make you laugh though but that is ok. I love you baby and it is almost over. See you soon.