Thursday, June 11, 2009

Nasty...Nasty Girl...(are you singing it?)

There's something I've come to realize about myself. When I'm pregnant, for some odd reason, I become nastier. I talk about nasty stuff, I blog about nasty stuff, I even DO nasty stuff. But I think it's because it comes with the territory. Being pregnant is just plain nasty, right? I mean not BEING pregnant but the crap you gotta go through TOTALLY violates your privacy so I think for ME...I just let it consume my every being and I just BECOME nasty. Why not right?

If you're having a hard time remembering all the nasty stuff that comes along with being pregnant, lemme refresh your memory with THIS post that came from Penny being in utero (spell check said I spelled this wrong U-TER-O??).

Today I went to the beach to celebrate the first day of Summer break for my kids. OH and it was Ashlea's birthday too. But she's hot and young so she doesn't need anymore attention. Let's move on.

When I got to the beach I had the urge to poo. I can usually hold it for quite some time and so I did. The bathrooms were not only far (and I'm in no shape to be walking long distances) but they were also nasty...like...spiders were probably in the toilet waiting to catch a glimpse of my bare buns landing on top of the toilet seat (because we ALL know...you can't hover when you gotta poo). I wasn't having that so I ignored the warning signs and went about my lallygagging around with friends (who were all thinner than me making ME "the fat girl"...but whatever).

When it was time to go I started gathering my junk and I knelt down to grab something. BAD MOVE. The pressure from my thighs against my ULTRA low baby belly triggered something. Something bad. Something that I wasn't ready for. I knew right then...I gotta go...like NOW.

Since my friends were there and we were in mid pack, I hid my urgency and hurry and loaded up the car. I had gotten past the first wave...you know how it comes in waves and I was ready to just get the heck outta there and HOME. I thought, for safety reasons, I should drive past the bathrooms but it was hot and I was sticky and the spiders were probably still there. I talked my self into just hurrying home. I could make it. I could do it.

All the way home was torture. I kept thinking I should stop somewhere...I HAD to. I just knew I was gonna poo my swimmer and the kids would HAVE to find out which meant they would tell my Lover and he would NEVER let me live it down. No. NEVER. He's mean like that. There was an incident in Mexico one time. Yes. Not to be discussed on this blog but I'm sure you can use your imagination given the nasty food and water they have there and what it can do to a person. Yea. Gross. To this day he STILL makes fun of me for it. I couldn't allow him to have TWO incidents to slap in my face whenever he felt the need.

So 30 minutes of driving was torture. Do you do this? You know how it comes in waves and it's like excruciating pain? You have to clinch your butt cheeks together and breath through the poo contraction. Does anyone else do that? OH man. I was sweating bullets trying to make it through each poo contraction. Jake knew I was in pain so he tried distracting me by reading from Time Magazine which only made things worse. It was like having your lover by your side while you're in true labor (not poo labor) encouraging you to "do this! it's okay! come on babe!" UGHH. Shut the FREAK UP and just let me concentrate through this poo contraction JAKE!!! I know he meant well but well it was NOT.

I ended up calling my friend Kempy on the way home to take my mind off the pain. It helped, the poo contractions let up. Once I got home I had to hurry and unload Penny into his bed but as soon as I stepped outta the car it hit again. Holy mother. I felt a tiny poot pressure but I knew if I tried to release it then all POO would break loose. I clinched, I sweated, I breathed. I grabbed Penny and threw him in his bed...RUNNING to the potty.

Phew.

I made it and lemme just say it would NOT have been pretty in my swimmer and car seat.

And yes Kempy...you were my poo phone call and you didn't even know it. I'm sorry. I needed you. I know you'll forgive me.

Aren't you loving my nasty side?

28 comments:

Debbie said...

I notice I'm a bit (ok probably a lot) more nasty when I was prego's too. Like you said, it comes with the territory. Every month or more often your showing someone something or talking about your body in detail so it sorta leaks on to the rest of your life.

dena said...

i'm laughing!

The Burns Family said...

All I can say is...Only Jessica can blog about these things...and get away with it.

BTW you described those poo contractions to the "T".

Kathy said...

I love how you won't tell your friends at the beach that you are having difficulties. Instead, you hurry home to blog about it to 77 followers and all those people who are secretly stalking this blog. Awesome! You are a funny lady.

raschel said...

i know exactly what you mean. poor you. :( too bad you were driving and couldn't sit on your foot. that always makes the poo contractions lessen to me, probably b/c my foot goes numb so i think about something else other than my urgency to poo.

Candace said...

YOU are SO freakin FUNNY!!! Holy Crap. I'm smiling so hard my face hurts right now.

And I know exactly how you feel. I've felt that way before when company was over and I didn't want to be gone for an abnormally long time, so I would just do everything you described so well and torture myself until the coast was clear.

Great blog!

Staci said...

hahahahh poo contraction. Man that is seriously what it is! I had that problem this morning or every morning since I got preg. I get nasty too but like perverted nasty, weird sex dreams and all. Although my friend told me she has orgasmns in her dreams when she is preg. Sign me up for that!

Amanda said...

HA! I can relate from when I was preggo....oh man...pregnancy did horrid things to my digestive system! The worst was on the way home from Target once.....I knew I should have gone there but didn't want to....I did the same thing you did. I was breathing, praying and almost crying by the time we were home. Glad you made it!

Adam & Brandi said...

Not sure if this is funny, or just plain nasty. Either way I was feeling sorry for you the entire time I was reading. Sorry that you put yourself through so much torture. Silly girl.

***** said...

The reading would have tipped me over the edge. Just seeing the world library or book makes me have to track down a restroom. Why didn't you just leave the kids with us and drive to the spider toilets by yourslef? retard.

Amie said...

OMG that was hilarious. and i know EXACTLY what you mean about poo contractions. except i'm not preggers. or ever have been. but i'm a runner. and runners ALWAYS have at least one poo adventure on the road! lol

Sara said...

that's funny! thanks for the smile...your kids are so great too, way to go Jake for "trying" to distract you! My kids make all the sounds that would make you have to go more...so not supportive..lol
Glad you made it home!

Sara said...

oh and that's hilarious how you wouldn't tell the one's you was with that you had to go to the bathroom; and yet ran home to blog about it! Only you girl!!! ;)

Kim said...

You are too much!!

Willis Party of 5 said...

All I have to say is.....hearing your story over the phone was WAY better then reading it! I got the "real" sound effects.

But I still laughed all the way threw your post!

Willis Party of 5 said...

O, and I just remembered...why didn't you mention that it was ALL green?!?!? That was one of the best parts of the story!

Kim said...

Let me know when you want a cut :)

David and Teresa said...

ah yes the poo contraction....I remember it well...It is a furious fight to get to the correct potty to relieve that contraction. Oh! and poor Jakob he was only trying to help but NOTHING helps and it only starts to irritate the one having the contraction when the one trying to distract the one tries to distract the one.
My my my
Mutha

Dana said...

Don't you just love being prego.. I remember this too... One time I ran into an Exxon.. having the worst pain I can think... made it but I can say that you can do you business standing up.. because when there is not time there is no time...the pressure of the 5 months of baby did help

Mary said...

I'm sorry but I can't stop giggling! You are too funny. Some how all this still makes me want to have kids!

Bonnie said...

Dude, whatever, you are ALWAYS nasty. I don't think you can blame your pregnancy for this. I still remember your terrible gas... ew!

nat said...

that is freakin hilarious, but all the truth...we've all been there...

Anonymous said...

MEX-i-co, MEX-i-co, EVERYBODY WANTS TO HERE ABOUT MEX-I-CO !!!!

Laura said...

Oh you and those dang imaginary spiders. See the problems they cause you? It sounds like your poo explosion would've killed them anyway. I'm pretty sure Jake would've been mortified if he was reading the magazine to his mother while she filled her seat with poo. Good thing you made it home.

Jess said...

I can't believe the truth! And I thought you were calling because you are such a good friend and really concerned about my health and stuff.

I'm glad I didn't know I was the distractor - but more glad I didn't realize you let loose in the middle of our conversation!

Queen Mama said...

I am dying laughing. I went from CRYING in the bathroom myself, to hopping over to the Lowe Family News and LAUGHING INTO MY TEARS!

Poo contractions, you are so right. It is like labor all over again, I never thought of it that way.

Hilarious

Crystal

Riece said...

LOL! I can't believe you post this stuff, but DANG I am glad you do!!

Riece said...

And also:

MEX-i-co, MEX-i-co, EVERYBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MEX-I-CO !!!!