Monday, April 21, 2008

Depressing with a capital "D"

Lots of sad things going on today.

1. Miah had his surgery this morning. It was in the same building he had his blood drawn and he recognized it right away. As soon as we walked in the door he said, "Mom, I don't like this place." When we took him back to get changed he freaked out, but we calmed him down pretty easily and he was doing well. They gave him the silly juice to drink and the only thing that bothered me is they rolled him away before the juice kicked in so he went crying and screaming. I hated that and I told Austin I was mad they did that. With Kora and Jake's surgeries they waited until they were both oblivious to what was going on so it was easier to let them go. I was feeling okay after a few minutes but then started to freak out. They said the surgery was only supposed to take 45 minutes, but after TWO HOURS (and hearing an ambulance outside) I worried that something went wrong. I started to doubt my decision to do this. I knew I would at some point. I told Austin to go check on things and the nurse came back to reassure us that Dr. Bloom was just VERY meticulous and takes his time. Everything was just fine. When he was all done with the surgery, he came and told me how things went. Everything was great. We went back to meet Miah and sat with him through an IV bag and three cups of apple juice before he would pee so we could go. He was groggy and not in pain, just frustrated because he wanted to go home, take the IV out, get his puppy shirt back on and eat a chocolate bar. He kept asking for all of these things the whole time. It was pretty cute but we kept saying, "If you just go pee, you can have all of these things!!" FINALLY he peed, only a few drops, but it was good enough for the nurse so we left.

2. Being home has been okay up until the changing of his dressings. The doctor said that once the dressings were wet with pee, we had to take them off. UGH. This was HORRIBLE. I waited as long as I could, but they were soaked so I HAD to take them off. Poor Miah was crying and Austin and Jake had to hold on to him so he would keep his little leggies apart. The worst part was all the freakin tape on his balls and soft skin. Who puts tape on balls? After I peeled the tape away, the gauze was easy, but Miah was still upset. Then I had to sprinkle water on it, dab it dry and put bacitracin on it. Not fun. I got really upset and Austin had to calm me down. I'll be happy when I don't have to do that anymore, but for the next 5 days I'll be cleaning it after each urination. :( Supposedly it should feel much better for him in 24 hours but I think he's so used to crying and being scared that he might still act that way.

3. One cute thing he did when we came home (before the changing of his gauze) he went to the bathroom and then came out saying, "Mom, I saw something on my dingas! I have a band aid on my dingas! It looks like Jake's dingas!" It was really cute. Up until then he had no idea anything had happened to his little manly parts.

4. Another sad thing is that if we WERE going to Virginia as originally planned...we'd be leaving today. I've been in and out of crying spells for the last couple days and I only expect it to get worse. I don't know how I'm going to get through this weekend, honestly. I feel so weak and I need to be strong for the family but I can't stop crying all the time. Little things will happen throughout the day that will just trigger my sadness. I'll see Austin do something with the kids and think to myself, "That's probably the last time he'll do that for 6 months." The the tears will flow freely and I break down. When he gave Miah a blessing this morning I thought about how we won't be able to get his blessings once he leaves. I worried about what I was going to do without his priesthood in our home to watch over us and keep us safe or healthy or strong if we need it. This will just be a really sad week for me and I'm going to go ahead and apologize to you for me being such a wimp in all my posts this week. I know I should focus on the happy things and cherish this time, but it's really difficult to do that therefore I have a blog that I can vent to as I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks.

5. That's all. I think I'll go lay down with Miah and rest. It's been a long day...for all of us.


Tara said...

I am so sad for you! That is really hard with Miah, I know. I remember well. Thankfully Josh doesn't. But I clearly remember those first few days, it is hard, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You know, there is this thing they can do instead of a regular circ., it's a little different, but it's a band they put around, and then the forskin just kind of falls off. (for the next boy I mean) They did it with Eddie and I didn't have to do a thing, no bacitracin or any of that stuff. You might want to look into it?
I'm so sorry about Austin leaving. I can only imagine how hard that must be for you right now. I was wondering how you were holding up. I know this may not help, but I remember crying with sadness when I had to ask men other than my husband to give blessings. I got used to it for the time I had to, but it still made me pretty sad sometimes. Your boughts of crying are COMPLETELY validated. Don't worry so much about being so strong for the family. From what I have read and been told, it's ok for kids to see us dealing with emotions that they too have to deal with. And it's good to talk to them about what we are feeling. (to an extent) They are more intune than we think, so instead of making them feel confused and worried about these "repressed" feelings they are seeing in their parents, it's good to help them understand and maybe everyone can come up with a "plan" to help each other deal with the upcoming emotions for the next 6 months. I know this is another book comment, sorry, just my thoughts. I'm thinking of you and praying for your family!

Vagabond Mother said...

What a tough time for you. I hope things get a little bit more mellow. I'll be thinking about you.

Amanda said...

Cry away:( I would! Just reading about Miah made me cry:( I can't take that type of thing either! I mean I wasn't even preggo when P had to have his attached skin pulled back and I cried about it! ANd I had to re pull it and apply neosporian after every diaper change and he would SCREAM every time which made me cry so I know a "bit" of what you are feeling:( Then add on your moving thing to all of this with Preggo hormones.....You poor thing! Go ahead and cry...then tell yourself you are strong and you will make it through this just like you have with every other trial in your life.

Unknown said...

Go on and VENT, girl! I am so sorry you're having a hard time. You have GOOD REASON to be sad. It will be short, and you will be fine, ok?

I'm sorry about Miah, too. How great that you were able to do this while his dad was still home to give him a blessing.

We're thinking about you.

Julie said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Poor Miah, but I know that you're the best mommy to be there to take care of him. I can only say that we will pray for you daily because I can't even imagine what you are going through, but the Heavenly Father is watching over all of you. I wish you all the very best.

Valinda said...

Okay you're making me cry all over the place! I think I'd be kicking and screaming by now. You are so brave to be facing all this standing on your feet and not in the fetal position. You'll be in my prayers and if there is anything else I can do please let me know!

Lindsay said...

i'm sorry that Tara typed so much. haha. But what i'm REALLY sorry about is the non-leaving of your family to virginia. I know it will be tough. Just think of it in when you are on the treadmill and you hate that you still have 45 min. left. At least it's that way for me. Enos and i bought our plane tickets for july. we'll be there for six days. yay! it would be longer but i can't get the days off from work. :/ I can wait to come home and play with you and the kids and amy and her kids. I miss my family.

Lindsay said...

p.s. i like the new peacock... MUCH cuter than the last one.