Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The smell of death

As many of you know, Kora is celebrating her 5th birthday this Friday and I've been preparing for the celebration the past few weeks. She has chosen to have a Dinosaur/Makeover Party where we plan to dig up dinosaur bones, clean them, decorate them and then have makeovers after our big excavation.

WELL, the past few weeks we've been collecting bones from eating chicken wings, rotisserie chickens, ribs and so forth and we have a pretty good collection. After we eat all the meat, I would throw the bones in a big pot, boil them for a long time until the meat falls off, run them under water to get rid of the excess meat and them bleach them in peroxide until they look like nice white clean bones! All of the bones are pretty small, no bigger than my palm and I felt like it would be REALLY exciting it just ONE of the bones we found was a really big dinosaur bone, like a real one! I went to Kroger to ask them about this and they offered me an awesome idea!!! They had a full uncut cow femur bone they can sell me. Usually they get these and cut them up to make soup bones, but keeping them whole would add to the effect of the bone so I asked for a whole one. They brought it out all wrapped up and I excitedly took it home to see it!! Even walking through the store with it in my cart, I got a lot of stares and one lady even asked me what it was and what we were using it for. I was very proud of showing my large bone off.

When we got home, I quickly unwrapped it to see the greatness of the bone in it's fullness. It was massive!! It's size was probably about 1 1/2 feet long and the thickness was larger than the roundness of a Dr.Pepper can (trust me, I hold these often). The only bad thing about it was that it still had meat reminisce on it that needed to be removed. I was fine with using my regular method like I did on the smaller bones, but worried about the scale of the new big bone. Still, I proceeded to fill a large pot with water and placed the bone inside the pot. The bone had more mass sticking OUT of the water than IN the water. So much, that I thought it would flip out of the pot. When the water started boiling, this hideous green slime started rising to the top of the pot so I had to keep removing more and more water so it wouldn't overflow. It was a mess and I knew that if I continued boiling the bone, in what little water was left, it would be FOREVER before the whole thing would be immersed. I gave up on that idea and poured the stinky green slime water down the sink and decided to start fresh. I had remembered seeing a large pot in the garage that my dad used to wash the cars when we were little. It was old, like at least 20 years, but it was HUGE and it would do the job. I brought the pot inside, which was covered in dust and webs and other scary remnants from the garage but that didn't matter. I wasn't going to EAT the bone, so I didn't bother cleaning the pot. I quickly filled it with water and stuck the bone inside...perfect! It still stuck out on one end, but the majority of the bone was under the water so I'd only need to do one switch to get the other end.

The water took FOREVER to start boiling considering the pot was probably holding several gallons of water. The smell of the bone in the hot water was deathly. I called it death water because that's what it smelled like. It filled the entire house with the gut wrenching death smell, but I had to endure. I remember a few months back I saw a dead beaver on the side of the road, and as curious as I am about odd things, I decided to pull the car over and make a small trek to the dead beaver to examine the body. I know, I know, I'm a sicko, but my curiosity got the best of me and I really wanted to see that beaver tail up close. I didn't get more than 50 feet from the beaver when I just couldn't walk any closer because of the terrible smell of rotting death in the air. I never did get to see that tail, but I DO remember that smell (tail, smell..I"m rhyming!) and THAT was the smell of the death water in the house that day. It was that decomposing body smell, the one I would occasionally smell when I worked at Restland.

So the death smell went on for maybe an hour as I worked in the kitchen on something else until, all of a sudden I hear something. A small almost microscopic trickle of water onto the tile floor. I turned around as quickly as I could, and to my horror I see a waterfall of death water running from underneath the pot, to the counter, down the cabinets on to the floor. Now, when I say "on the counter" I need to clarify. The water FILLED the entire back section of the counter as if it had been dripping from the pot the FULL hour. The glisten from the counter made me sick, it was entirely emerged in death water. I yelled, "HOLY CRAP, HOLY CRAP, HOLY CRAP..." and I continued to say this over and over until it caught the attention of my poor mother in the office. She hesitantly but nervously yelled back, "WHAT??!?!" and then came rushing into the kitchen. For a moment, we both just stood there looking at this hideous scene with our eyes wide open as if this could NOT be really happening. My first reaction was to run to the pot with pot holders and lift it up to rush it to the sink...bad idea. Not only because the pot weighed as much as me, but because when I lifted it, the water GUSHED out the bottom of the pot even faster. If we lugged the thing to the sink, even though it was only 10 feet away, boiling hot death water would be pouring out the bottom onto our legs and any other human that might be in the kitchen. It wasn't a good idea so we nixed it. We couldn't do that, we had to let the pot SIT, in death water, until the entire pot of death water broth cooled. We grabbed as many towels as we could and cleaned up the water on the floor, cabinets and counter and then maneuvered the pot onto more towels to soak up whatever water would be dripping out over the next few hours.

And then we waited.

The smell seemed to get worse as the water became luke warm and then room temperature. Every time I walked in the kitchen and I saw that pot there, it made me SICK to think about having to clean it up. After SEVERAL hours, the water was cooled enough for me to attempt the cleanup. It was so gross and I don't think I've ever used the Clorox cleanup bottle as much as I did that day. I sprayed it everywhere to kill all the E coli and death germs that had seeped into every crevasse in the kitchen. The meat on the bone was NOT coming off so I wrapped it in plastic bags and then saran wrapped it until I couldn't smell that stench anymore. I threw the old pot away (which obviously had a crack in the bottom) and then placed the bone on the counter to deal with later.

I spoke to a friend about the status of the bone and she suggested we BAKE the bone to get the meat off. I was fine with that, but nervous to unwrap the bone so I let it sit for a few more days...bad idea. One morning as I came downstairs, my dad mentioned to me that he thought the bone was smelling again. I assured him it was NOT, and to prove my point, I walked over to the tightly wrapped bone, stuck my PREGNANT nose on the bone and took as BIG 'OL WHIFF of the thing. I about fell to the floor and died. I started dry heaving and my eyes got all watery and if I WOULD have had food in my stomach, it would have then been on the counter. I demanded my dad to get RID of the bone and I announced to him that I was done with it. It was WAY more trouble than I thought it would be fun, therefore out weighing the idea of using it.

SO, at the party we'll have ribs, and sternums, and femurs, but they will all be from animals smaller than my children. No more cow bones for me and no more smells of death, PLEASE. That's the story of the bone, and I didn't take a picture which I'm mad about, but maybe it's best that I DON'T remember the way it looked, atleast for the next 9 months!

9 comments:

kimmychan1967 said...

hahahahaha....i almost peed myself!!!!! Too bad you didn't get a pic! I was thinking that the whole time. ;)

Lindsay said...

yes.. i know this story...it makes me cringe and i told everyone i like in my office about it... it's DIS-GUSTING. honestly...my friends at work are hunters and one of them took apart a whole cow and he took gory pictures... it was NASTY and the cow was GI-NORMOUS!!! i'll see if i can find any...

Lindsay said...

oh.. and another thing... you might wanna be careful about the way you word things... "I was very proud of showing my large bone off." sounds a little dirty.. hahah

Molly said...

Okay you made my day! Hilarious!

David & Teresa George said...

Jessica you do so good on your stories. Maybe you should start your own web site with all the funny stuff that happens to the Lowe family. Call it the LoweDown.com Love Dad

Amanda said...

Okay--First I must say I could hardly get through that w/o throwing up myself in my condition......YOu are a WAY CRAZY wonderful mom. I would never on my life even have saved real bones and done all that work to disinfect them. That is way too much work for me! I would have bought fake bones somewhere:) And your mom and Dad are wonderful! My mom would never have let me bring that BIG cow bone into her house---and I would not have blamed her one bit! LOL!

Bill and Tara said...

That sounds like one of the worst "none-life-threatening" experiences you could go through!!! You poor thing!!! I do have some experience with trying to clean off bones to use for other things. Have you thought of soaking it in Coke? The acid is supposed to eat off anytyhing, and then I would soak it in bleach-water. I don't know if you still have access to the bone, but Coke and then Bleach might work miracles, you never know. :) I'm sure the party will be a blast without that darn bone though, but just in case you want to work with bones again, Coke and Bleach. :)

David & Teresa George said...

Baby,

I just read the bone story and I agree with Lindsay. "I was proud of showing my large bone off" maybe better words coming from the mouth of a Mother of three. Tee Hee hee. Or maybe just Lindsay and I should rethink what we hear. That was hilarious! I enjoyed the experience both in person and reading the re-enactment on your blog. Ya'll it was nasty and smelly, just like she said.

Love you Jess and all your adventures. Mother

Kris said...

Great story! Thanks for linking to it.