so if you've read my blog for quite some time,
you've probably noticed changes in my mood over time.
i've lost control with each additional kid.
i joke with people now and tell them not to judge me by my last two children.
i used to be a good mother. i really did.
i just lost complete and utter control of my life after isaak.
and there aren't even words to describe myself after august.
my brain fell OUT of my head.
onto the concrete.
and is probably somewhere
cooking like eggs on the cement.
cuz it sure as cuss isn't in my head anymore.
i mean do i even need to go into this?
i stopped blogging because of those last two rats
for crying out loud!
so since moving here Lover and i have discussed
putting the brothers in a preschool.
we've gone back and forth on the issue, debating, weighing the options.
until we finally decided to take the plunge.
never again will we be in japan
where the brothers can go to a japanese preschool
and learn the language and this incredible culture.
after searching for what has felt like YEARS,
(because japanese schools' calendar year is from april-march
and most schools didn't have any availability during this time of year
AND i don't speak japanese so i had to enlist of the help
of my really adorable friend, saori, to go with me to appointments
and make phone calls for me)
that was a long paranthesis.
okay now breath.
I FINALLY FOUND THE PERFECT SCHOOL.
enter singing angels:
it really is. it meets all my requirements.
i love the teachers. every one of them.
i love the facility.
i love the schedule and curriculum.
it's absolutely perfect for these brothers-o-mine.
so we got all excited!
and went out and bought all our school supplies.
all the japanese essentials of course.
i was finally about to meet the day i had been dreaming about for the last 12 years.
say this slowly because it's pretty overwhelmingly awesome:
the day that
ALL MY KIDS WILL BE IN SCHOOL.
even typing it feels unreal.
i know what you're thinking.
how has this fantastic news not given me a heart attack from the sheer amazement alone.
it's glorious i tell you. it really is.
yes there's always that dadgum mother cussing BUT.
something started to happen to me.
something everyone warned me about
but i never chose to believe would be true.
i started to feel
all those years of these 5 rats,
dirtying up EVERYTHING.
and to think one day it will all just
all of it.
mothers are so weird. we really are.
we want, we don't want.
we don't like, we like.
we hate, we miss.
it's quite irritating.
but ultimately, i began to freak out.
is this really what i want?
my last child?
no kids at home?
no one to take to the zoo or park or pool?
seriously i started questioning my ability to receive inspiration and
began confusing spiritual guidance with motherly instinct.
two VERY similar feelings i might add.
i'd spend all day talking myself into this decision
and finally feel good about it
only to find myself in a conversation with someone
mentioning how much i must wanna "get rid of those kids!"
and then i'm back to square one, feeling like a crap mom.
this has gone on for days.
DAYS i tell you.
it's hard on a mutha.
staring at my sweet babies little faces,
thinking about how much i'm going to miss them.
wondering why i'm giving up these precious years
just for a little free time.
and then there was the other side of the argument.
this is a great opportunity for them.
i need to admit to myself that i am not the same anymore.
i need time to be me again.
there will still be plenty of days off of their school
where i can play with them and take them on fun adventures.
if they were home everyday they'd just be fighting and screaming.
i'd never get anything done.
with them at school i might finally be able to clean the house
for the first time in 12 years.
it was never ending.
back and forth and back and forth.
praying and praying for an answer.
looking for guidance in every direction.
then tonight, i was stressing in the kitchen with kids doing homework
brothers running in and outside
and dinner trying to be prepared.
miah came to me with a book he chose from the bookshelf
to use for his 20 minutes of reading.
i don't usually read with him.
i just don't have the time.
i usually make kora or jake.
but tonight he was struggling particularly hard
and after a huge blow up on my part
that was completely unacceptably ugly of me,
i sat down with him to read the book.
the title of the book is
"if i could keep you little..."
by marianne richmond.
it's a book my mom gave me just recently
with a long note to me written on the inside cover.
i'd like to share with you some of my favorite lines from the book.
"if i could keep you little, i'd hum you lullabies.
but then i'd miss you singing, your concerts big surprise."
"if i could keep you little, i'd kiss your cuts and scrapes.
but then i'd miss you learning from your own mistakes."
"if i could keep you little, i'd cut your bread into shapes.
but then i'd miss you finding, "hey! i like ketchup with my grapes!"
"if i could keep you little, i'd tell you stories every night.
but then i'd miss you reading the words you've learned by sight."
"if i could keep you little, we'd nap in our fort midday.
but then i'd miss you sharing adventures from camp away."
and my favorite is the last line.
"if i could keep you little, i'd keep you close to me.
but then i'd miss you growing into who you're meant to be."
and by then, of course, i was in tears.
heart pounding out of my chest.
needless to say these last 4 years have been very difficult for me as a mother.
very trying on me.
very trying on our family
because of me lacking as the mother everyone needs.
i love those two little brothers with all my heart and soul
but they're a bundle of tough
i know that as much as i love THEM,
heavenly father loves ME and he wants me to feel NORMAL.
to feel productive.
to finally be able to volunteer at my older kids' schools
and go on field trips with them before they don't have any more
field trips to go on.
i know he wants me to feel like a good wife
who can keep a clean house
and can have dinner ready for everyone.
i know he wants me to find time for myself.
to exercise and meditate
and pray and read my scriptures for more than 10 minutes a day finally.
to be a happy and loving and PATIENT mom
when my kids come home from school
excited to tell me about their day
instead of being annoyed and tired and frustrated by that time of day.
reading that book tonight with miah was all i needed.
it was if heavenly father was speaking to me directly with each word.
an answered prayer.
i am so grateful to have been blessed
as a mother to these 5 sweet spirits.
goodness. aren't they amazing?
how lucky am i? really?!
it's not always a bad thing to have those babies grow up ya know.
it's sad. it makes mothers cry and act like wieners.
but it's also kinda awesome :)
if i could keep them little.
all of them.
imagine all of the moments i would have missed
of them growing up.