Friday, May 15, 2009


Ever since I was really small, I can remember having really vivid dreams that seem to foretell the future or help me make decisions in my life that I happen to be dealing with at the time. When I was in the beginning stages of wanting to start my business a lot of my ideas came from what I dreamt about. My dreams are like GOLD to me. Sometimes they tell me what I should do in situations, sometimes they warn me of what is to come and sometimes they just act as parables to whatever I'm going through.

When I'm pregnant they become even more real and crazy.

Last night I had a dream. I wanna tell you about it. You can make of it what you will.

It began with me in some sort of group setting. I wasn't around anyone I really knew, but the people who WERE around me were my peers and we all seemed to be at some sort of school or something similar where we all lived near each other and were doing the same things each day. The only person in the dream that I knew was Isaak who I seemed to be holding the entire time. He was just there, holding onto me like a tiny penny. As usual.

One day after the school, I came out to my car to find that someone had taken a sledgehammer to it. It was all beat up and wrecked. All the parts were still in tact but it looked horrible. I was crushed. It was my old white Mazda protege from back in the day. Who would do this to my car? And why? I got in it, with Isaak attached to me, and drove home. I was bummed, but the car still worked so I figured I could just drive it that way.

The next day I parked my car in the same spot and went into the school. When I came out, I again found my car trashed. This time one of the wheels had been taken off and melted. It was obvious I couldn't drive it home. Not only that but the driver side windshield was shattered. I was seriously upset. What the HECK was going on? I realized that what had happened wasn't just someone vandalizing a random car, but that the person who did this had specifically chosen to do this TO ME. They sought me out, waited for me to go into the school, and then they attacked. They did this to intentionally hurt me for some reason. I was sooo mad and frustrated and offended and a whole PILE of emotions at that time.

I HAD to find out who was doing this. All of a sudden, a boy came out of the school. I immediately recognized him in my dream as Todd Rader. He was my Kindergarten boyfriend. I never forgot him because when we broke up he told his best friend, Billy Kilpatrick, not to talk to me but instead...we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Todd thought it was to get back at him for breaking up with me, but really it was because Billy was the only blonde haired boy in the class and I thought he was cute with his scratchy voice. I figured that Todd was still furious over what had happened in the past and THIS was his reason for hurting me.

He stood there looking at me and Isaak with a scowl on his face. He had dirt all over his hands and cheeks from what he had done to my car. His clothes were torn and his hair was all frazzled. I was scared to speak to him. Then he opened his mouth and said, "I'm gonna kill you. You better hide." He then came up to my face and I thought he was gonna hit me but instead he spit on my shirt and then kicked my car, sending it up onto the two passenger side wheels. And then he walked away.

I could tell by his tone of voice that he wasn't kidding. I was FREAKED out. I pulled all my important stuff outta my car. I remember thinking as I was dreaming that I didn't have enough formula, diapers or clothes for Isaak but I had no way of getting more without a car. I stuffed all that I had in my bag and started to run away.

I went from hotel to hotel staying different nights there. I was to scared to stay in one place for too long for fear that Todd would find me and kill me AND Isaak like he threatened. I went on like this for days until finally I had no place else to run and no more money.

I finally decided that it was over and that I had to go back to my car because Todd was there ready to kill me. My heart was racing the entire dream. I felt so alone and lost. I had nothing left though, I had been defeated.

To my surprise, when I arrived at my car I found a whole SLEW of people that were familiar to me. Ms. McCaw my Kindergarten teacher was there who used to give me more candy than she gave the other kids in the class and then she would wink at me and tell me not to tell. Walter Cervin my Outback boss was there. He was the one who trusted me more than most of the employees. The one I came out to and admitted the Half and Half guzzling. Bishop White my old bishop from when I was going through my hardest times. The bishop that knows me at my worst, all my deep dark secrets, the things I'm not proud of in my past. Maryanne White who was my old YW president who always made me feel important and special. All of them. They were all there for me, waiting.

And if that's not enough, across from them was my entire family. My Lover was standing there with his arm around Jake's neck and his squinty eyes were almost closed because of the huge smile he had on his face. My Kora and Miah were holding hands and swinging their arms together and laughing. My sisters were there with their babies and their husbands with smiles on their faces. Lauren with her muppet grin and Aidan with his crazy hair, Lucas with his brown skin. My parents were there...and they were holding hands. My mom had her head on his shoulder as she smiled at me while my Dad gave me that look he's given me for years after I've done something he's proud of. And penny, who was still holding on tight to me. Trusting me with every fiber of his being, looking up at me with his big blue eyes that say soo much without saying anything at all.

I started to tell everyone what had happened, why my car was the way it was, why I had been running for so long and why, at that point, I was crying and felt so alone. But instead of explaining, I stopped because I wasn't alone. My tears or sadness and despair turned to tears of joy and love. All of the people who were there knew ME. They knew me at my best, my worst, my most insecure, my happiest and every other feeling in between. And they were STILL there. They represented so many people to me.

Todd never showed up to kill me that day. I don't really remember what happened after that. I guess I woke up or switched dreams, or had to get up to pee....who knows. The point is, nothing else needed to happen after that. I was happy with that ending and I never thought about, worried about or stressed about Todd Rader again. It was ridiculous the reason he was so mad anyway, why he was holding on to things in the past that were so minuscule and obviously very misunderstood.

Funny things those dreams. They can do wonders for ya.

Oh...and so can two chocolate eclairs from a good friend named Amber!

Thanks for everything friends. Love ya.


dena said...

Two things...

1st, a question: Was Todd Rader still a kindergartener in your dream?

2nd, a comment: You should've been fine for close to a year if you had any one of your "bags" to fill with Isaak's stuff because they are all HUGE!!!!


Amanda said...

wwoooahh--I don't even remember most dreams 5 minutes after I wake up!

Now I want a eclair! Dang.

Staci said...

At first i was laughing thinking this is such a silly dream. But then at the end I was really touched. What a happy ending to a dream. My dreams dont end and then I can never remember them to begin with. This sorta reminded me of "big fish" at the end when all the pl he loved and remembered were surrounding him. Maybe Todd did kill you in your dream and you were greated with your love ones in the after life? Kk I'm getting carried away here. Thanks for sharing though!

Goodnight moon said...

Your most welcome!!!! Two chocolate eclairs and a "black" happy donut for Miah can really make a difference in a day:)

It is really funny how dreams are though. How well they can relate to what is really going on in your life. I'm glad that your dream ended with your family all around you to support you. You know, that I am always here to support you too:)

Kim said...

That is such a happy ending to a dream... so sweet.

Unknown said...

Am I a freak that I am crying right now?? What a great dream. I mean, I know it had it's bad parts, but it's like Lord of the Rings or something when you think something horrible is going to go down, but then the army of good guys come to support the hero!! :)

You are loved, Jessica. :)

nat said...

todd funny is that!!!!

Dana said...

i wish i had a good friend to bring me an eclair.. it sounds so yummy now... you know when i was pg it seems like i could remember dreams better... glad it had a happy ending..

***** said...

That is the cheapest therapy I have ever heard of. Your dreamland fairy should get a bonus for that one. It is soo detailed and long and ends lovingly. Friends and family are our shields. And they love us forever for whoever we are. Thank You Heavenly Father! The picture of all the ppl at the end... that would be a great photo.

Camilla said...

Hooray for happy endings & eclairs!

Lindsay said...

in the words of our mother... "i don't really like listening to your dreams... please don't tell them to me anymore" .....this is a good one though!!! she would have missed out.

Candace said...

Oh, I just love you. You remind me so much of me so often and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I have crazy dreams all the time and this one reminds me of them. I'm so glad your dream ended nicely with all those you love you there to surround you.

You're wonderful and so are your blogs. Love reading them. :)

Carolina said...

awww what a precious dream!!!

I'm sure it was terrifying really beleiving you were gonna get killed!

I wish I remembered my dreams, but I am a believer in dreams being a way to know exactly what your subconcious is thinking and feeling. Even when we're not ready to know about or accept certain things in our waking lives.

LOVE the ending...and I don't remember Maryann White being the Young Women's President...I only remember Karn Larman, but sis.white is the sooo sweet!!!

Froggylady said...

Wow. That's a dream and a half! I'm so glad that your friends and family were there for you at the end. I think it's pretty obvious that your dream means that you should have chosen a different parking spot.

David and Teresa said...

Jessica...I loved that dream and as I read it I thought of the time that I told Lindsay, something like dreams are not real and I don't like to hear them because they are not real and how we should not let them upset us so much because they are not real...something to that affect or is that effect? Anyway, I jokingly told her I did not like to listen to her dreams but in her response it sounds like she took it very much to heart. Sorry for that. Anyway, I DID enjoy this dream and several of hers when she was small. I just didn't like when the dreams upset her and she hung onto it. Anyway, I am human and a mom and well...Sorry for that Lindsay.
I wonder where Todd Rader is today and if he even remembers that he wanted to hurt you. I also loved the little penny clinging to you as you ran. How sweet. I love you Baby.

David and Teresa said...

oh and I am dead tired but I had to have my daily dose of the Lowe News...glad i hung in there and stayed up longer to read all your treasures. They always cheer me up.

Paige said...

Wow. I loved this. I felt like I was reading some really well written novel. I even got scared at one point and had to move locations to feel safer. (Yes, I am paranoid). I definitely love the ending. I wish all dreams ended like that! You'll have to remember this one whenever times are tough. Thanks for sharing!