Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mutha's

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, be willing to work variable hours which will include evenings and weekends, and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The candidate must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge(s) can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when the offspring turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give your children whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While there are no health insurance, no dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if the candidate play her cards right.

Happy Mother's Day to all those Mothers, and future mothers out there!

8 comments:

Valinda said...

Well if I had know all that I might have reconsidered! I hope you're having as much fun as I am today. Happy Mother's day to you!

SM said...

Cute! Mommyhood ROCKS!

California Rasmussens said...

i've read somewhere that if moms got paid it would be well over six figures. i think once our kids get jobs we should charge back pay... hahaha.

Janae said...

I think it left out that one of the hazards is that you are mentally ill as well.

Happy Mother's Day to you! You are the best mother I've never met.

kay said...

wow..surely scary for a non-mother blog reader!!

weirdly its a nice post!!
Happy Mothers day to you!!

Lindsay said...

Sign me up... i'm ready!

Bill and Tara said...

I have always loved this job description, and I love being a mom. Glad you had a great day!

Amanda said...

Sorry Jessica---I hope you get Pei Wei and enjoy it:) I must admit though I RARELY go to PF Changs like once a year if that----we don't get out much! But Their food is much better than Pei Wei---I know it is the same company and everything......