Thursday, March 27, 2008

TODAY - THE 27th

So on Tuesday, Jake went to school and then after lunch time I get a call from Austin telling me that the school is trying to get a hold of me to tell me to come get Jake. Apparently he started feeling yucky, went to the nurse and had a temperature of 104!!!! How did I miss that one?! I felt horrible for him and went to get him as soon as I got the call. When we came, he spent the rest of the day in bed watching television. I made an appointment that evening to see his doctor on Wednesday in the morning. That night, Kora started feeling really yucky too. Her fever came back and she was sniffling and coughing all night long. When we woke up, I called the doctor and begged them to let me bring Kora to Jake's appointment as well because I though she had the same thing. When we get there, the Nurse Practitioner tells us that a form of pneumonia had been getting in the schools and they has seen a lot of it. She said it was HIGHLY contagious within families (hello, me, Austin, Kora, Jake...) and was a weaker strand of the regular pneumonia. It was called "walking Pneumonia" because just walking by someone will cause you to catch it or pass it. She said it starts out with a high fever for a string of days that won't break and along with it comes all the sneezing, sinus crap. I knew they had it before she even did the test because I KNEW that was what me and Austin had. After the blood test, sure enough, they were both positive. We got some antibiotics, nasal spray, eye drops and more Motrin to keep the fevers down and we were on our way home...back to bed!

The only little toot NOT to get it is Miah and I'm just PRAYING he somehow gets away without it. I'm just glad the kids didn't get it as hard as me and Austin, that was HORRIBLE. It was really tricky with them because it came and went and didn't show up for a couple days and then BAM, it's there again! Jake is home again today and won't go back until Friday - doctor's orders.

Along with all of this, I've been preparing for a big huge thing that I'll tell you about later AND I've been dealing with the stress of staying here in Texas instead of moving. That's right, you heard me. That's the thing that got me so depressed. After fasting and praying, Austin and I have decided that it's best for me to stay HERE with the kids while only HE goes to VA. It's going to be VERY hard for me. I don't like the answer at all, but I KNOW it's the right answer because I have a sense of relief and comfort knowing that I'm staying. The time he will be gone is broken up into 6 months, then 3 months. I don't know what kind of break he'll have between the two, but for a total of NINE MONTHS we will be apart :( It hurts my heart to write that. He'll be able to fly down for Jake's baptism and the weekend after the baby is born. I'll probably fly up there to see him in October, just me and the baby and then in November the whole fam will fly up there for his graduation from the 6 months school. So, the time will be broken up with a few visits I can look forward to, but it's still a long time. The longest I've been away from him is 3 months and I thought I was going to DIE. Plus I only had two kids then and now I'll have FOUR. The reason for this decision has to do with safety, financials and convenience for the kids. It's best that I am somewhere where I have help if I need it, the money we will save will go towards our HIDEOUS student loans that are all kicking in and Jake and Kora will be able to stay here to go to school instead of being ripped out, then in and then out again a million times. I HAVE to do this, WE have to do this in order to pave a smoother road for the future.

It's just frustrating because we've been married for almost 10 years and it still feels like we're just treading water. If I look back to where we started, of course, we've come a LONG way. But in the moment I feel like we're getting NO WHERE. I keep feeling like I can SEE the light at the end of the tunnel but every time we get closer to it, it gets pushed back farther away from us. And now this, another push back. 9 more months FURTHER away from the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not complaining, I know this is Heavenly Father's plan, but it's hard not to be sad and frustrated about it. Plus I feel like we've WAY overstayed our welcome here at my parent's house. I know this is not the case, but I feel really unwanted and in the way so to speak. My kids are crazy and loud and they occasionally break things and every time something happens my stomach cringes because I hate that I'm going to have to be here for 9 more months of them wrecking the place.

I wish there were another way and no matter how many ideas I run through my head to figure something out, it just doesn't feel right. I need to suck it up and DEAL with it. I was feeling like this was what I was supposed to do several weeks ago after we fasted but I didn't want to tell anyone because I was scared that THEY might be feeling the same way and that would confirm an answer to many many prayers. An answer I didn't want to hear. I'm upset, but it a way I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I am ABLE to pray for an answer so I make the right decision for my family. I'm thankful that I have the gospel and I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us. NO matter how different, it's especially for us. He knows what Austin and I have been through the past 10 years and I know that if we keep following his plan, we will be blessed. I have to just keep reminding myself of this when I start feeling down about things.

So that's that. We'll be here...Austin won't. But that's okay, it's all going to work out. I know it will.


Tara said...

Oh, I hope the kids get better soon! And Jess, this may sound terrible, but I keep telling myself this, "there is ALWAYS someone else who has it worse". I seriously try to tell myself this every day I want to cry. I know some people might freak when they see that I told you my sick little motto, but for some reason, it kind of helps me stop and count my blessing, (just a bit). We have been married 12 yrs, and we feel the SAME. (WHY!?!) I also try to remember what my bishop told me in a blessing, that all these things we are going through will help us to teach our children the strength they will need to deal with the next generation of challanges which will make ours look SMOOTH. Crazy huh? Well, sorry for speaking my mind so much, I don't want to offend or anything, it's just what I'm thinking about while we go through our own junk. I am so sad for you that you will be without your sweetheart for so long. I know there are reasons for everything and all, but WHY can't we have just a little HINT to the whole purpose of the answers we get? I know, this is too long of a comment, sorry. My heart is sad for you, I hope everything works out, and you feel better about it all soon! *big hugs*

Tara said...

Ok, I just re-read my comment, it really sounds terrible what I wrote. I am so sorry, I'm the one freaking out now that I told you my sick little motto. SORRY!!! I'm just a thoughtless nut. Take care!

Amanda said...

Sorry you are going through such a trying time right now. Count your blessings---seriously---and you will feel much better. 3 Healthy happy kids and one on the way. A healthy husband you are in love with....and wonderful parents who are helping you out so you can pay off loans:) That is something not many people have!

I had a breakdown when I knew we had to sell our old house and move. I am sure you knew all about it if you read my blog then. But now I see all the reasons and I am so glad for where we are. I won't lie and say it was easy for those few months of moving and getting settled. I cried and freaked out a lot! Anyway...I could type more ...but I won't! Take care...and I hope you guys all stay healthy over there!

Vagabond Mother said...

What TRASH! I'm so sorry. I feel so bad for you right now. I mean, even when life is NORMAL and I'm way pregnant, I'm ready to call it quits.

I can't imagine having to make this decision. I really hope you are okay and healthy. What toxic germs your family has.

One time, Andrew got into an offshore Medical School and we would have to be apart for a summer, and we felt so dirty awful about just that... that we chickened out and stayed in Provo. So maybe Andrew could have been a doctor two years from now, so what! I procreated again and he's getting a bona fide degree. But don't feel bad if you feel like dying right now. I'd die too. I'm a little TOO attached (or needy) and no amount of debt or guilt can break that for me. Well, at least, not yet. I give big props to you and your bravery.

Are your parents cool with it? When we've stayed with my parents over the summers, they always help us out the door on our way out. But maybe we are more irritating and the house is smaller.

Valinda said...

I'm SOO sorry. Even though it's right it still SUCKS!! I hope you will survive okay and just know that I think you are one of the bravest people I know! The light at the end of all this better give a big explanation. :)

Anonymous said...

It's the right thing to do than you have to do it. But that doesn't change the fact that it SUCKS. Sometimes it's good to vent and not think about how "blessed" you are. That's just me being a little bit self indulgent. You never complain about your life. That's what i love about you. You are so positive even when things seem so rotten. They'll be less rotten when enos and i come... both for you AND for me :) i miss you guys so much.


Karen Valinda said...

It is awful and it does stink! As a military dependent for the first 23 1/2 years of my life it is also all too familiar, as a child and as a wife. The fact that you know it is right will carry you much more than it feels like now. The certainty that there IS a plan and that your Heavenly Father loves you, and each member of your family, carries a security that nothing temporal could ever match.
My prayers will be with you, I know how hard it can be... hold on to the truth that Heavenly Father wants for you all the best, and His best defies mere human imagination.
Take care, Valinda's mom

Unknown said...

Sad, sad, sad. I understand your frustration. I feel so bad for you. It really will be ok, but I don't blame you for being upset.

You should be so proud that you are able to make good decisions and follow the Spirit when it guides you to do something you didn't really want to do. You're an amazing person, and a fantastic mother.

David and Teresa said...

Well...I am the mother that she has to be with for 9 months and I don't mind them being here at all and do not feel like they are wearing out their welcome. I was getting sad that they were leaving in a few weeks and now I am happy that they are still going to be here. I know how sad you all are that my son in law is leaving and we will miss him but hopefully it will fly by and you will be together again. I just could not take the fact that you would be far away having a baby and Austin was 30 miles away and you knew no one there. I love your sweet family Jess and love you being here. Mother