Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Spousal Fight

Last night was rotten.
Lover and I watched AI together and all was well.
I even got up off my cozy spot on the couch to get him some grapes when he said he wanted some. Kinda like in the olden times, when women would feed grapes to their Lovers.
We got in bed and I was cozy in my warm spot.
I had the blankets tucked around me just right.
And dangit.
I remembered that Izey had accidentally set my iHome alarm which was in the kitchen.
I knew he had set it because it woke the entire house at 6am the morning before.
I didn't know how to UNset it.
So I needed it unplugged.
I played the poor sweet girl card.
"Ooops. I need my iHome unplugged and I'm SooOoOoOOooo cozy here in my bed. Lover? Lover???? LOOOOOOVERRRR????"
Lover turned into Satan.
He threw the covers off of his body.
He started yelling profanities.
Storming. Stomping. Screaming down the hall.
Then he came back into the bed,
and rolled over away from me.
He became,
Jerky McJerkface.
I was burning up inside, hot with furry.
Should I say ANYTHING or just ignore him?
My thoughts got the best of me and I bursted out in angst,
"EXCUSE ME?! I just HAVE to say something. What you just did was the JERKIEST, JERK thing you could have EVER done. I have NEVER, EVER complained to you that I have to get up with August EVERY SINGLE NIGHT at LEAST 2-3 times a NIGHT. UP. OUT OF MY COZY BED. I have to interrupt my DEEEEEP sleep, and all my wonderful dreams and get UP to feed him and then I have to try to go BACK to sleep. TWO or THREE times a night. A NIGHT. Times that by 5 MONTHS of nights. SO for you to throw such a BIG FAT FIT for just having to get out of your cozy spot ONE TIME to help me out is just freakin JERKY!!!!"
Then I decided I didn't even wanna SLEEP next to Jerky McJerkface so I grabbed my pillows and blanket AND my iphone (I can't breath without my phone) and I left him to sleep on the couch.
And then it began.
The texting.
The everlasting texting.
I decided I would SHOW Lover, just what my night is like.
For good times.
10:48 pm, I text:
FYI - I just got outta my bed as I was falling asleep to get Gus.
10:49 pm, He texts:
Come back to bed. I love you and I'm sorry.
(but Lover knows I don't accept text apologies.
And I stayed on my couch, ignoring his swoons.)
2:05 am, I text:
Here I am again, outta my cozy bed, interrupting my good dreams to go take care of Gus like usual.
3:08 am, I text:
Up again. I heard someone goin to the bathroom.
6:11 am, I text:
Up again with Gus.
And then at 6:45, he kissed me on the head and went to work.
I wanted to punch another hole in the wall.
I got up and went on with my day.
To the park across the street to play with friends.
But the texting didn't stop.
10:31 am, He texts:
There once was a girl that loved me, now she hates me. If only I could convince her of my love for her and how sorry I am, she would then love me once more.
10:35 am, He texts:
Please forgive me. I'm sorry. I can't sleep without you.
10:42 am, He texts:
I need you baby. I hate it when you are mad at me.
(all while I sat, ignoring his texts and reading them to my friends, Buuahhahah!)
And then he did the unthinkable.
Dang him.
In front of all my friends!
And he kissed me. And he passionately swooped me up in his arms and dipped me as he announced to the ENTIRE park that he was madly in love with me and made an AWFUL mistake.
He didn't.
But for real, he did love me.
And he came home specifically to tell me he was sorry.
And then he turned into,
Lover McLovemaker.

And so...
I GUESS I'll forgive him.


Kathy said...

Awesome! I loved reading this. I hate when I am trying to be mad at my hubby and he starts with the flirty pestering. Ok, but for real, it works every time, too.

shinergirltx said...

My boyfriend does the exact same thing. Only he texts a lot longer and it's evening by the time I get a real apology. But it makes it so much better when they grovel a bit...

A Beautiful Life said...

Jessica i think you just replayed many a time in my own seriously we have done the texting thing before, except mine were mean, not just informative, and his are usually come back to bed..and then he comes down and gets me off the couch with his lover mclovemaker-ness...boys are funny, it's best they love us more than we love them, keeps them in line..J/k..even though you were pissed, this post made me miss my hubby..satan tendencies and all...;-)

Anonymous said...

I thought you used your mom skin blankets for your kids at night..... My hubby would most definitely HATE this post and thats why I love it soooooo much! You rock my world for realzzzz

Monica said...

Ahhhh FINALLY!!! A true love story! Made my day!

raschel said...

haha, this IS awesome. i wanted to blog about how selfish my man was being today, and MOST days b/c he loves to fish, and is planning to do it (almost) EVERY FREAKING WEEKEND coming up, so I'll be stuck at home. Alone. Looking forward to the NEXT weekend when i HOPE he'll be home with us, but know that he won't be b/c he's already scheduled aNOTHER freaking tournament. And, b/c I KNOW he'll read it, and feel really bad, especially once everyone comments about what a jerk he's being...but the problem is, so will his mom, and then she knows too much of my business. :) But, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE how real you are. (especially with the texting b/c that's EXACTLY what I turned to today, my trusty phone). haha....

kristin maynes said...

Oh my goodness girl! That was the best post I've ever read. I may just read it again. :)

No Model Lady said...

My favorite moment of this was when Rita scooted her stroller closer so she could hear you read Lover's texts.

Goodnight moon said...

You were in your house for "quite some time"....what were you doing in there?!?!

Gwen said...

I definitely need to do a post like this about my hubby - hilarious !!!

See Mom Smile said...

Awesome. Hope you McLovemakered after your friends were gone!

Froggylady said...

Awww...he came home to apologize. Will he get up with Gus tonight? :) I think that should be the true test.

I hate it when Chris gets all sweet while I'm trying to be mad at him. It's not fair.

dena said...

austin, you look HOT in pink lipstick!

i already posted this once. i know you wouldn't erase it because you care too much about your comment count. where'd it go???

Denise Wiggins said...

I absolutely loved this post. I read it to my DH... it is great. I love the way you texted him all night, I wish I had thought of that at times...

keep them comin...

andi said...

SO FUNNY! Text arguing! Good plan- I should try that one, too. He looks really great in pink lisptick, too.

Shannon said...

I love this post! So cute and so funny. I wish my husband would suck up and apologize like that...but he doesn't. He wouldn't know sorry if it kicked him in the balls.

Lindsay said...

i LOVE this story.. mostly because it has a happy ending. and then because the tshirt he's wearing is PERFECT for this. good job sister. i better go before i get in trouble from MY lover for blogging instead of doing freelance.

Unknown said...

jessica, when i started reading this i was thinking there is no way i would blog something like this about my hubby....then you proved me wrong. :) thanks for sharing your fight. you are so good at it. ;) seriously, when we fight it's the silent treatment and can go on for a whole week! i love how you handled it and need to learn from your example how to assert myself! haha. (love the pics)

Marnie said...

Love the can make magic with Photoshop..

SpinylVinal said...

this post is amazing i was just stumbling through different blogs and the picture of a happy family caught my eye for some reason maybe because i want a family like that one day i have a beutiful girlfriend but we wanna travel a bit and have a house and be financialy stable b4 we start havin children anyways yes thats a realy good post just the other day when me and my gf were fightin about somethin i went and layed on the couch too and sent her txts lol

daniella said...

I heart you. You're everything I ever wanted to be and never had the confidence to "go forth" with it. And let me tell ya, I lack a filter to my mouth. But "coolness" doesn't flow out like a river out of me, like it does out of you.

I will say it shamelessly: you are my new blog crush. Why, why, WHY did the Marine Corps have to send you away from Quantico when we got here (I'm assuming, of course)? Don't they know I don't do "serious", gossipy, hateful moms?

Also, our love for Nacho Libre is a sign from Heaven. Maybe one day we'll be stationed in the same town?

Why am i typing so much? All I really wanted to say was "Thank you for the love you left on my blog!" I blushed upon reading your comment.

* said...


Great blog. Your family is gorgeous! (I'm over here from your post on Mormon Mommy Blogs)

PS: Yes, forgive him! :)

Unknown said...

i was laughing out loud! This is hilarious!

Lindsay said...

UPDATE ALREADY!!!! sheesh!!

word verification word: ingest

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Skinnie Piggie said...

This made me laugh like no other... I think we all get into arguments like this.

Adventures in Abelingland said...

came over from Miss you both. Love Jerk mcjerface and Love mcLover. If you haven't coined them I may have to steal that one day. I love making new blog friends!! just followed you!