I was feeling like I had nothing to blog about today. I kinda had an idea of what I THOUGHT I should blog about, but I thought it would be too boring for you guys...too sappy. But then I visited CJane's post and it confirmed that I definitely needed to blog my feelings. If not for anyone else, but myself.
This morning I pushed my two little boys around the neighborhood in my super rad Phil and Ted's stroller that my lovely friends got me for my birthday. I do every morning usually.
But this morning was different.
I felt really good. The weather was just right.
I strapped Penny guy in his front seat and handed him his leather football to hug.
He loves football.
Gus stayed asleep in his underground bassinet.
I listened to my ipod shuffle as I jogged softly up Stone St., looking out over the river, watching the Marines drive by in their cammies and seeing the fall leaves, covering the ground.
I guess there's just something about music that invokes a feeling...an emotion when you hear it and listen to the words. Either that or it's still my preggo hormones.
Whatever it was, I felt like crying.
There I was.
My prayers had been answered. I was no longer pregnant and now blessed with this beautiful baby boy...PERFECT in every way. I have my body back, all to myself like I wanted and it's now my turn to do with it what I will.
So why then, am I still sad?
I figured it out.
I looked down at my sweet Penny. A football in one hand, almost as big as himself, and his bottle in the other. His head was turned toward the river and he was perfectly content enjoying his drink, his ball and his view.
And then I looked down further at my sweet August. Wrapped in the hospital receiving blanket, silently sleeping as the stroller bounce rocked him to peaceful dreams of the pre-existence.
Amazing how tiny and small he is. Amazing how just over a year ago that big headed Penny in the front seat was just as tiny as that.
My Penny that can walk and talk and make me laugh. My Penny that crawls up into his high chair BY HIMSELF to eat his chicken or cereal or strawberries, BY HIMSELF.
My Penny that understands almost everything I say to him but sometimes pretends like he doesn't, just to be ornery.
How did that happen? When did it happen?
When did my little Penny grow to be so big?
And then there's August who is so tiny and frail. Whose little toes seem to be just barely attached to that small foot with the tiniest bones. Who depends on me to feed him, to bathe him to hug him to hold him and kiss him. Who would die if I simply left him on the floor and walked away.
How is it possible that he'll grow to be as big as Penny?
Or better yet.
Miah? Kora? Jake?
Three weeks that I'll never get back.
Three weeks of gummy kisses and teeny tiny cries that I'll never hear JUST like that again.
Three weeks of smile filled dreams and 7 lb 4 oz squeezes that I'll never feel again.
Three weeks of 2 oz bottles that I'll never feed again.
It just doesn't seem fair, huh?
And so will Penny.
And so will my three big kids, Miah, Koko and Jake.
I'll keep being sad and missing all their moments that I'll never get back except for in pictures and videos.
and enjoying every last DROP of their sweet selves that I have NOW.
Wanna see my birthing slideshow?
(But don't laugh at how fat I am. I know I was big but that hospital gown doesn't exactly flatter a person...YIKES!)