Monday, November 9, 2009

Three weeks I've lost forever...

I was feeling like I had nothing to blog about today. I kinda had an idea of what I THOUGHT I should blog about, but I thought it would be too boring for you guys...too sappy. But then I visited CJane's post and it confirmed that I definitely needed to blog my feelings. If not for anyone else, but myself.
This morning I pushed my two little boys around the neighborhood in my super rad Phil and Ted's stroller that my lovely friends got me for my birthday. I do every morning usually.
But this morning was different.
I felt really good. The weather was just right.
I strapped Penny guy in his front seat and handed him his leather football to hug.
He loves football.
Gus stayed asleep in his underground bassinet.
I listened to my ipod shuffle as I jogged softly up Stone St., looking out over the river, watching the Marines drive by in their cammies and seeing the fall leaves, covering the ground.
I guess there's just something about music that invokes a feeling...an emotion when you hear it and listen to the words. Either that or it's still my preggo hormones.
Whatever it was, I felt like crying.
There I was.
My prayers had been answered. I was no longer pregnant and now blessed with this beautiful baby boy...PERFECT in every way. I have my body back, all to myself like I wanted and it's now my turn to do with it what I will.
So why then, am I still sad?
I figured it out.
I looked down at my sweet Penny. A football in one hand, almost as big as himself, and his bottle in the other. His head was turned toward the river and he was perfectly content enjoying his drink, his ball and his view.
And then I looked down further at my sweet August. Wrapped in the hospital receiving blanket, silently sleeping as the stroller bounce rocked him to peaceful dreams of the pre-existence.
AMAZING.
Amazing how tiny and small he is. Amazing how just over a year ago that big headed Penny in the front seat was just as tiny as that.
MY Penny.
My Penny that can walk and talk and make me laugh. My Penny that crawls up into his high chair BY HIMSELF to eat his chicken or cereal or strawberries, BY HIMSELF.
My Penny that understands almost everything I say to him but sometimes pretends like he doesn't, just to be ornery.
HOW?
How did that happen? When did it happen?
When did my little Penny grow to be so big?
And then there's August who is so tiny and frail. Whose little toes seem to be just barely attached to that small foot with the tiniest bones. Who depends on me to feed him, to bathe him to hug him to hold him and kiss him. Who would die if I simply left him on the floor and walked away.
HOW?
How is it possible that he'll grow to be as big as Penny?
Or better yet.
Miah? Kora? Jake?
It's been just over three weeks since little Gus entered this earthly life.
Three weeks that I'll never get back.
Three weeks of gummy kisses and teeny tiny cries that I'll never hear JUST like that again.
Three weeks of smile filled dreams and 7 lb 4 oz squeezes that I'll never feel again.
Three weeks of 2 oz bottles that I'll never feed again.
It just doesn't seem fair, huh?
He'll keep growing.
And so will Penny.
And so will my three big kids, Miah, Koko and Jake.
And me?
I'll keep being sad and missing all their moments that I'll never get back except for in pictures and videos.
That,
and enjoying every last DROP of their sweet selves that I have NOW.
Wanna see my birthing slideshow?
(But don't laugh at how fat I am. I know I was big but that hospital gown doesn't exactly flatter a person...YIKES!)

17 comments:

David and Teresa said...

What is nice Jessica is that all those precious moments are replaced with more precious moments and it just keeps on going like that. Yes you can't get those moments back but with the new moments coming day by day you must just enjoy the moments as they arrive. I am just enjoying watching you mature and understand what is important in life. See, that is a new moment that can not be replaced but I am good with that because I know there are more great moments still coming. I Love You Tons!! Dad

Queen Mama said...

Aww. That was sweet Jessica. I feel the same way about all of mine too!

dena said...

i was JUST thinking about this very thing last night. from a slightly different perspective, but alot the same. very sobering, yet precious. that's for sure.

off to see you in a hospital gown! ;)

Carolina said...

I don't have kids.
I don't know how it feels.

Thank you for writing this post in such a way...that made me (for one moment) understand the feeling!

Candace said...

I feel this way everyday. It makes me so sad that Emma's 5 and Noah's 18 months and that they'll never be my little babies again. It's the saddest thing in the whole world and that's why I know I'm not done having kids, because I can't even begin to fathom not experiencing that baby stuff again. I just love every second of it too much. Well, except the fat part. I don't love the me gettting big and fat part.

Staci said...

I can't even imagine I know one day i will feel the same way when im done having kids...guess thats the fun part about being a grandparent later on! You look really good by the way giving labor naturally! I love the headband too ;)

Shaunaaaaaaa said...

I've been pretty sure that I won't have anymore kids until the next life, but after watching that video and reading your post I think... Can I really be done with all of it too? I made a comment about you on my blog so you might have some other visitors, hope ya don't mind.

nat said...

Awww awesome slideshow!!!!

andi said...

Kleenex, please. I have been thinking about those things with my baby C lately, too. Thanks for putting it so perfectly ;)

The Nugen's said...

Beautiful pictures! And great song to go along with it (that is Teddy and my wedding song!) And you don't look fat...that gown is actually cuter than most!

***** said...

You are such a sweet mom and the video was lovely. Your reflections of Penny are inspiring. It's good to document those memories. Thanks for the good example.

Jess said...

I think the same thing EVERY single day. I wish there was a pause button sometimes. I find myself looking back at pictures of Harper's first few months and think, "wow...how did I ALREADY forget those moments?" I definitely don't miss the sleepless nights, but I already miss the moments spent with her as a tiny newborn and she's only 4.5 months old now. But I think God makes up for those lost moments with new and greater ones. Her smiles and coos definitely melt my heart and make me smile every.single.day!

LOVE your video. And girl...that gown does not make you look like a fatty. It's actually "kind of" cute since it ties above the belly and doesn't hang making pregnant mamas look even bigger! I need to someday make as slideshow out of all my pics.

Camilla said...

Loved this side of you Jessica. Thanks for sharing. It is the worst part about being a mom. I want to let them go and experience all the good that life has to offer but I want to hold them in my arms forever.

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