Friday, May 29, 2009

Flashback Friday

OKay this one doesn't have any pictures, but it's a good story. I was inspired to write about something that happened to me several years ago (like 3-4?) because of something that happened to me on Tuesday.



As most of you already know, I had a spa gift certificate and Tuesday was my lucky day! I got a massage, a pedicure, and a facial! OOohh La La. All of which were divine but let us, if we may, talk a little more about this so called "facial" I received.



The lady was super nice, an esthitician? as they call themselves? Anyway, she did a good job explaining everything, why use this, why use that..blah blah blah. She noticed my obvious breakout and even mentioned how she was pregnant as well and breaks out even worse during that time.


I enjoyed the little session and all the yummy "CLINICAL" (let's not forget that word, okay?) products SO much, that I decided to forgo (I learned this word on Bachelor.."If you choose to forgo your individual suites...blah blah) my later scheduled manicure and flowers so that I could use that money towards buying some of the expensive CLINICAL products.



I got:

Face Wash

Toner

A&C Serum

Acne Cream (Gross, right? I hate that word, do I really have ACNE?!)

Night Time Moisturizer

Day Time Moisturizer with SPF 25



All of which she used on my face THAT DAY (I'm pretty sure).



SO I go home with my products after the facial...



No problems.



Use them that night and then wake up the next day...



No problems.



Use some lip hair removal cream AND the products in the morning...


Bad idea.

AND THEN BAM!



It hits.



Why does this always happen to me? I'm a sucker for making a FOOL of myself, really I am.



My face decides it doesn't like the products so it rebels.



It gets really flushed. Blotchy. Yucky. Hot. Burn. Ouch.



That night I only use the face wash for fear of the burning toner and anything else.



I wake up to a disaster. One eye is almost swollen shut. My face looks like I ate a cherry popsicle in my sleep and got it all over the place staining my face in uneven areas. After a few hours the swelling went down, but the redness persists and it ITCHES.



Today it was swollen again but keep in mind I didn't use ANY more product last night or this morning. I'm waiting on the esthetician to call me back. Now it's all peeling and especially right around my mouth and nose area. It looks DISGUSTING. Like I ate a glazed donut and the crusty glaze is all over my mouth but I'm not wiping it off. SO nasty.



So THIS experience, the one that happened when I was pregnant with Isaak, and about 753 OTHERS that end up embarrassing me just as much all made me decide to reflect on another one of those hideous moments in my life.



I swear this stuff only happens to me. Or at least happens THIS MUCH only to me. I am 100% professionally AWESOME at embarrassing myself.

One time when I was like 12-14yrs old, I was on the trampoline with a boy and his mom, Karen Tetak, (who happened to be MY mom's best friend) and I was bouncing around showing off, of course. That's what I do best. I said something to him about getting his leg stuck in the springs and then about 2 minutes after that it happened to me. His mother looked at me with an evil sneer and said something I'll never forget which ironically made me hate her for the rest of my life, "Jessica, ya know you're REAL good at sticking your foot in your mouth. Maybe you should just keep it shut." I didn't like her. She didn't like me either. Most adults didn't. I never told my mom that but I should have.



So...tangent!



Sorry.



Okay back to my GOOD story. What the crap did all that have to do with this anyway? I dunno, it just popped in my mashed potato brain so I thought I'd share.



So 3-4 years ago I was in a point in my life where I hadn't been very active with exercise. It'd probably been about a FULL year since I had worked out, maybe a little over and I was disgusted with myself and had enough of sitting around being a blob. I joined a gym! My very first day at the gym...



An HOUR LONG Core Body Workout Group Class.



Dena shutup...you're laughing already I know it, just stop. I can hear your silly cackle from here.



So I can honestly say that although I was an IDIOT to think I could jump into a hour long core body class after not working out for a year or more, it wasn't TOTALLY my fault. The instructor was apparently ALSO an idiot and focused on NO OTHER core muscles except...ABS the ENTIRE hour. But how was I to know this was bad for you? When I work out I like to feel pain. I like to sweat and get nasty hot with tomato face and drenched clothes. I'm no yoga or pilates girl...I like feeling like I'm gonna puke (ask Bonnie, Katrina and Amber) and this core workout definitely accomplished that feeling.


Immediately after the workout my abs were sore. I've never had that happen before, usually it's the next day. But no. IMMEDIATELY. I was dead tired sore. My abs cramped up the entire way home. I felt disgusting, but I kinda liked it.

I went home thinking nothing of it and went to bed.

The next day I woke up feeling a little different. The soreness was still there, but along with it came a little pop belly. I looked about 15 weeks pregnant. WTC?! What is this? Had I worked my abs out SO much that they're SWOLLEN from it? It was crazy and annoying but oh well.

As the day went on, the belly grew.

and grew...

AND GREW.

Until the NEXT day, I was a full blown 5 months pregnant, no joke. I was seriously FREAKING out. I had to pick Jake up from school and SEE people!! What would they think! I wasn't pregnant yesterday! I called my old workout trainer to ask him if he'd ever seen or heard about anything like this. He was amazed at the story I told him saying that the class instructor must have been an IDIOT and should be fired for doing nothing but abs. He told me that it sounded like I had completely torn my ab muscles APART and the reason I was growing a belly was because it had happened so suddenly that fluids were rushing into that area to "repair" it. Freaking NUTS.

But it gets better.

Or worse...depending on how you look at it.

SO this belly lasted for about 2-3 days, HUGE big belly. I had to ONLY wear gaucho pants because none of my jeans would fit.

And then.

Slowly.

Each day as the belly would go down in size, the fluid would go down...as in...gravity.

Yes my friends. down. Down. DOWN there.

WARNING!! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE WORDS: VaJJ, LIPS, BALLS, ETC. THEN STOP READING

By the 3rd or 4th day I had acquired a VaJJ that resembled balls. I know that's graphic. Sorry. The fluid was going with the natural pull of gravity and falling down into my girl area, filling my lips so massively that the skin was pulled so tight I thought the poor things would burst open. Seriously, you think I'm joking but Austin will tell you I AM NOT. I should have taken a picture just for my OWN personal documentation. It was THE CRAZIEST thing I think I've ever seen. Like elephantitis for a girl. I couldn't even leave the house because you could see my "package" through my gauchos (which was still all I could fit into). It would hit my thighs and jiggle as I walked. I had to walk with my legs kinda spread to avoid the rubbage. Like it was really heavy and full....dangling people...like I said...balls.

I ended up having to have a cat scan which showed nothing abnormal except that my abdominal muscles had been shredded. Like pulled pork.

The fluid ended up passing through me, down through my legs and then eventually just disappearing. BUT, to this day I can't do ANY focused abdominal workouts without my belly swelling up a little afterwards. And that's enough to keep me from doing them EVER again.

Am I right? This kinda whacked out stuff happens to ONLY me ALL the time. I'm such a target for humiliation.

But it sure makes for good blogs, right?

30 comments:

Merrilee said...

All I have to say is that it is just too darn bad that you don't have a picture to go along with this story... and the word is "blemish". (Not acne, not zit, not even breakout...just blemish.)

nat said...

return the crapola...i'm sure that stuff wasn't cheap...you should try my beauti control stuff, it's really awesome...it's so gentle on your face and they make one for sensitive skin...let me know

Staci said...

hahahhah im laughing so hard! You had balls! Holy cow you have such a whacked body to reacte that way to what seems like everything. This post is def. one I would of liked to see pics. Your face, belly and prob not your balls maybe through some gauchos. I'm glad you are getting back to being the beautful knock out your normally are all the time!

Jason said...

From the short time I've been following your blog, I can tell you're a "ballsy" woman. I didn't know you actually had balls. Sounds painful. I am definitely adding this to my many reasons not to exercise.

Carolina said...

there are no words in my vocabulary to enunciate what I'm feeling following the reading of this post!

lips, balls, va-jay??? WOW!!!!!!
I know you warned me...but I feel somewhat violated, like a piece of my innocence will never return!! hahahaha!

Really, those things ONLY happen to you! That must have been some intense workout to have shred your abs into "carnitas"...ewww

I was so glad to read that the fluid just disappeared and all is well now. I would recommend you NEVER work your abs again!! Elpantitis can NOT be good in that area!!

Good Blog Post my friend!!

Bonnie said...

I think that story is even funnier all typed out! When you told it too me it was over too quick and I couldn't get the visual for too long. But now that it is in black and white, I read it SLOW and enjoyed your humiliation all the more!

Did you ever hear back from the lady! You should seriously get a refund and go back for your other crap.

AND, I can't believe that your mom's "Best Friend" was such a Buttface! What a totally crappy thing to say to your friend's kid! What the heck is she doing on the trampoline with you two anyway... freakin' wanna-be!

Candace said...

Oh. My. God. I have never laughed so hard reading a blog in my LIFE. Holy. Crap. I do think you're right that this stuff only happens to you!!!! I have never in my life heard of this stuff happening before! I (just for the record) would've loved to have seen girl balls, just because I'm sure I will never hear of that again! ha!

You provide great entertainment on here, girl!

And definitely return that face crap!

The Chambers Family Blog said...

oh man... that workout story is one of the funniest things (although a bit tragic as well). and return that junky face stuff. you do have terrible luck, poor girl. but it makes for terrific blog posts :) hope you face feels (and looks) better soon!

and what IS up with the mom on the trampoline?!?! what an awful thing to say to a little kid, i'll bet she wouldnt have dared to say that in front of you mom.

raschel said...

I can't wait to hear what that eshetician (I never knew that was their name) says when she calls you back! You better get a refund!

I LOVED this story. I'm sorry ALL of this happened to you...but it sure does make for some good entertainment! I was laughing constantly and couldn't read it fast enough!!

Holy cow. Pregnant tummy from exercise? HOW? Shredded stomach muscles? Balls on your VaJJ I can relate too b/c of Makena's birth. It was the weirdest experience of my life...but I'm with Staci, I wish I could've seen the balls through the gauchos! I LOVED the explanation "hit my thighs and jiggle as I walked" BAHAHAHA!! Classic.

Caroline said...

LoL. I remember this story from our Oprah group. Its still funny reading it. Is it really that long ago? Time flies!

Kathy said...

PLEASE tell me that you at least complained about that psycho trainer. Wow! By the way, Somebody stole my slot so I ended up being #70 like originally planned. Happy?

Amanda said...

okay--I was literally laughing out loud. this is too much! You poor thing! This is yet another reason I should not work out:) HA! I hope you get your $$$ back on all the products! You poor lil' preggo...get better:)

Safire said...

Ha! Return the junk and go back for your manicure. :)

Dana said...

I have cracked up bending over holding my tummy... man that was funny... you might want to wash your pillow case or change it out.. that stuff might be on there from where you slept and is still getting on your face..

Rebecca said...

Oh my gosh! I'd be so scared if that happened to me and I doubt I'd ever want to work my abs again. It's a great story though!! Gives me a good excuse to continue to not work out my abs.

I wanted to comment about your eye swelling up as it's happening to me too. In fact, this is the fourth time it's gotten swollen (not as bad as the first) in the last 3 weeks. I seriously looked Japanese the first time my eyes got all swollen and I had to take Prednisone and then the swell went away. I wouldn't take Prednisone as it sucks, but what I have found is that if I put hydrocortisone cream on my eyelids (don't get in eye) when they start to get itchy, red, and dry it doesn't get very bad and goes away soon. The dryness though and the peeling seem to be an after effect for me after they swell. It's gross. I have no idea what's causing it, but be really careful about putting stuff on your eyes from now on because they may get irritated again. I'd definitely get that cream....you can get it at the drug store and it's over the counter.

The Nugen's said...

Oh my gosh! You poor thing! Return that crap and go get your nails and toes done! Hopfully you won't get fungus instead! :)

Paige said...

Ok, I definitely cried laughing so hard reading that story. I think you are right - that stuff must only happen to you. :)

Kim said...

thankyou jessica, you made my night!

dena said...

yep, laughing HARD over here. that is STILL one of my all time favorite stories and i love that i got hear the play by play as it happened. you left out the part that it was just about this time of year. field day time. walking around in sweltering TX heat supporting Jake with your balls trouncing to and fro. i'm laughing even more now. love it!

Valinda said...

laughing so hard i'm about to cry, this is exactly what i needed at the end of this week!

Kris said...

"OKay this one doesn't have any pictures, but it's a good story." Thank goodness.

I didn't even know this was possible. These blogs need ratings...

David and Teresa said...

Yes, that all did happen. I did not see pics (wasn't offered the opportunity) but I am ok with it. Baby you might have gotten it from me. Remember all the times i have fallen and swollen and got damaged while you were my child? Oh! you still are my child..teehee...I would love to be athletic but everytime I try anything other than Volleyball I get damaged. Even in volleyball in highschool I got hit in the face too many times. Remember mountain biking in utah? I have fallen on so many funerals and cracked my knees and had bloody and swollen legs uh er...I take that back. It all only happens to my left leg. I have damaged that leg SO much that it still just randomly swells when it wants to. Do you remember Sister Hubbard in our ward? She had the one leg that swelled up and the other was normal? I often wondered if that was caused because of something she did to the leg over and over and over again. I never found out and of course she died so I don't want to ask. Of course my leg doesn't swell that much but it does make me wonder what happened to her. Anyway, I never knew you didn't like Karen Tetak. Hmm...oh and she was not my best friend, although, we did do alot of stuff together during that time. This blog entry really cracked me up. Hey! on a different note...I went to Kitty's Pampered chef party last night and you were the topic of conversation. Isela asked me if you were pregnant. I told them yes and then after being excited for you and thinking that was fun...THE QUESTION!!! came straight out of either Kitty's or Isela's mouth..."DOES SHE KNOW WHAT SHE IS HAVING?"...GULP!!! uh...well...she's not sure was my answer for fear of being "cut off"...teehee...not really. You don't scare me but no revealing of the sex was done at the party. Laura Fielding and Deanna were there also and were very good. We three just kinda looked at each other over and over and laughed and knew that if we did tell then the other "witnesses" might run back to you...It was funny. Love you *wink* Mutha

David and Teresa said...

Oh and Kara Vita is good skincare also but I have also used Beauti Control.

Mutha

Froggylady said...

I can't breathe I am laughing so hard!

Shaunaaaaaaa said...

This is the funniest thing I have EVER read. My friend Merrilee told me I should stalk you because you remind her of me. I think its the always embarrassing yourself thing, and the fact that we both have four kids (one of mine is Isaac). Sooo thanks for making me laugh so hard and you win for the BEST story!!

Laura said...

i could have lived my whole entire life without the visual image of you walking around with balls bangin against your legs. yikes.
Your rash thingy sounds like when I use anything with benzoyl peroxide cuz I'm allergic to it. Does that stuff have that in it?

Lindsay said...

did you die again? wake up!

Cara said...

Girlie jiggling Balls. One word. WOW!

David and Teresa said...

I love the baby floating in the gray IPod thingy. Hmmm...144 days left.

Love you Mutha

Riece said...

YAY for testicles!! This is probably the funniest story I've heard in my life! This stuff only happens to you, Jessica Lowe, only to you.