As most of you already know, I had a spa gift certificate and Tuesday was my lucky day! I got a massage, a pedicure, and a facial! OOohh La La. All of which were divine but let us, if we may, talk a little more about this so called "facial" I received.
The lady was super nice, an esthitician? as they call themselves? Anyway, she did a good job explaining everything, why use this, why use that..blah blah blah. She noticed my obvious breakout and even mentioned how she was pregnant as well and breaks out even worse during that time.
I enjoyed the little session and all the yummy "CLINICAL" (let's not forget that word, okay?) products SO much, that I decided to forgo (I learned this word on Bachelor.."If you choose to forgo your individual suites...blah blah) my later scheduled manicure and flowers so that I could use that money towards buying some of the expensive CLINICAL products.
Acne Cream (Gross, right? I hate that word, do I really have ACNE?!)
Night Time Moisturizer
Day Time Moisturizer with SPF 25
All of which she used on my face THAT DAY (I'm pretty sure).
SO I go home with my products after the facial...
Use them that night and then wake up the next day...
Use some lip hair removal cream AND the products in the morning...
Why does this always happen to me? I'm a sucker for making a FOOL of myself, really I am.
My face decides it doesn't like the products so it rebels.
It gets really flushed. Blotchy. Yucky. Hot. Burn. Ouch.
That night I only use the face wash for fear of the burning toner and anything else.
I wake up to a disaster. One eye is almost swollen shut. My face looks like I ate a cherry popsicle in my sleep and got it all over the place staining my face in uneven areas. After a few hours the swelling went down, but the redness persists and it ITCHES.
Today it was swollen again but keep in mind I didn't use ANY more product last night or this morning. I'm waiting on the esthetician to call me back. Now it's all peeling and especially right around my mouth and nose area. It looks DISGUSTING. Like I ate a glazed donut and the crusty glaze is all over my mouth but I'm not wiping it off. SO nasty.
So THIS experience, the one that happened when I was pregnant with Isaak, and about 753 OTHERS that end up embarrassing me just as much all made me decide to reflect on another one of those hideous moments in my life.
I swear this stuff only happens to me. Or at least happens THIS MUCH only to me. I am 100% professionally AWESOME at embarrassing myself.
One time when I was like 12-14yrs old, I was on the trampoline with a boy and his mom, Karen Tetak, (who happened to be MY mom's best friend) and I was bouncing around showing off, of course. That's what I do best. I said something to him about getting his leg stuck in the springs and then about 2 minutes after that it happened to me. His mother looked at me with an evil sneer and said something I'll never forget which ironically made me hate her for the rest of my life, "Jessica, ya know you're REAL good at sticking your foot in your mouth. Maybe you should just keep it shut." I didn't like her. She didn't like me either. Most adults didn't. I never told my mom that but I should have.
Okay back to my GOOD story. What the crap did all that have to do with this anyway? I dunno, it just popped in my mashed potato brain so I thought I'd share.
So 3-4 years ago I was in a point in my life where I hadn't been very active with exercise. It'd probably been about a FULL year since I had worked out, maybe a little over and I was disgusted with myself and had enough of sitting around being a blob. I joined a gym! My very first day at the gym...
An HOUR LONG Core Body Workout Group Class.
Dena shutup...you're laughing already I know it, just stop. I can hear your silly cackle from here.
So I can honestly say that although I was an IDIOT to think I could jump into a hour long core body class after not working out for a year or more, it wasn't TOTALLY my fault. The instructor was apparently ALSO an idiot and focused on NO OTHER core muscles except...ABS the ENTIRE hour. But how was I to know this was bad for you? When I work out I like to feel pain. I like to sweat and get nasty hot with tomato face and drenched clothes. I'm no yoga or pilates girl...I like feeling like I'm gonna puke (ask Bonnie, Katrina and Amber) and this core workout definitely accomplished that feeling.
Immediately after the workout my abs were sore. I've never had that happen before, usually it's the next day. But no. IMMEDIATELY. I was dead tired sore. My abs cramped up the entire way home. I felt disgusting, but I kinda liked it.
I went home thinking nothing of it and went to bed.
The next day I woke up feeling a little different. The soreness was still there, but along with it came a little pop belly. I looked about 15 weeks pregnant. WTC?! What is this? Had I worked my abs out SO much that they're SWOLLEN from it? It was crazy and annoying but oh well.
As the day went on, the belly grew.
Until the NEXT day, I was a full blown 5 months pregnant, no joke. I was seriously FREAKING out. I had to pick Jake up from school and SEE people!! What would they think! I wasn't pregnant yesterday! I called my old workout trainer to ask him if he'd ever seen or heard about anything like this. He was amazed at the story I told him saying that the class instructor must have been an IDIOT and should be fired for doing nothing but abs. He told me that it sounded like I had completely torn my ab muscles APART and the reason I was growing a belly was because it had happened so suddenly that fluids were rushing into that area to "repair" it. Freaking NUTS.
But it gets better.
Or worse...depending on how you look at it.
SO this belly lasted for about 2-3 days, HUGE big belly. I had to ONLY wear gaucho pants because none of my jeans would fit.
Each day as the belly would go down in size, the fluid would go down...as in...gravity.
Yes my friends. down. Down. DOWN there.
WARNING!! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE WORDS: VaJJ, LIPS, BALLS, ETC. THEN STOP READING
By the 3rd or 4th day I had acquired a VaJJ that resembled balls. I know that's graphic. Sorry. The fluid was going with the natural pull of gravity and falling down into my girl area, filling my lips so massively that the skin was pulled so tight I thought the poor things would burst open. Seriously, you think I'm joking but Austin will tell you I AM NOT. I should have taken a picture just for my OWN personal documentation. It was THE CRAZIEST thing I think I've ever seen. Like elephantitis for a girl. I couldn't even leave the house because you could see my "package" through my gauchos (which was still all I could fit into). It would hit my thighs and jiggle as I walked. I had to walk with my legs kinda spread to avoid the rubbage. Like it was really heavy and full....dangling people...like I said...balls.
I ended up having to have a cat scan which showed nothing abnormal except that my abdominal muscles had been shredded. Like pulled pork.
The fluid ended up passing through me, down through my legs and then eventually just disappearing. BUT, to this day I can't do ANY focused abdominal workouts without my belly swelling up a little afterwards. And that's enough to keep me from doing them EVER again.
Am I right? This kinda whacked out stuff happens to ONLY me ALL the time. I'm such a target for humiliation.
But it sure makes for good blogs, right?