Friday, May 4, 2007

White trash moment #248

As many of you know, I tend to have a lot of white trash moments in my life that I love to share with friends and family. I've decided to begin posting them here so that everyone is able to embrace the joy that I experience in my white trash moments. I feel like I've had atleast 247 white trash moments up until now so let's start with number 248...

Yesterday, I was scheduled to get a haircut by a girl from church. After she was 30 minutes late, I called to see if we were still on. She said she had forgotten about it and asked if we could reschedule. Uhhh, NO. I have three children, my own business that I'm trying to run and a husband I never see because he's studying 24/7...NO, I don't have time to "reschedule" I need it now. I told her to just forget it and I quickly got on the phone to find a place that could take me right away. I had heard from a friend (who's name I won't mention here) that there was a lady at Beauty Brands I should go see. I thought I'd give it a try and called to see if she was available, and she was. This was my first red flag that she wasn't any good, that fact that she was available within 5 minutes from the time I called. Anyway, I went to see her dragging along my two heathenistic children Kora and Miah. Yes, I know, this was a recipe for disaster.

When we got to the place, the lady looked normal enough, she wasn't too old..maybe in her 40's. She seemed up to date so I wasn't worried. I told her I wanted a messy look. I don't have time to fix my hair each day and I usually wore it up in a ponytail or air dried and messy looking. I wanted to keep the length, but add a LOT of layers all over to even it out so that when it drys, it will work with the natural wave I have going in my hair. Here's where it gets bad...as I was trying to describe the messy look I started saying different stars' names like Meg Ryan, Kate Hudson and then I used the name "Jennifer Aniston" to describe her "messy look" and how she parts her hair in the middle and it looks well maintained, but messy. That was the worst mistake I could have EVER made...using the name Jennifer Aniston. YUCK. From the moment I said that name, the haircutting lady heard nothing else and the vision of Jennifer Aniston from the early nineties on Friends stuck in her head from then on out. The whole time she was cutting I could feel it going SO wrong. Not to mention how terrible Kora and Miah were acting as I'm trying to save my hair from a mistake that happened almost 2 decades ago to half the country.

I think this may be the most white trash moment of the whole story:

While she's giving me this flashback to the past haircut, Miah crawls up onto one of the hair washing station chairs and starts laughing. I tried to stop him, but the hair cutter told me..."ohhh he's fine, he can't reach the water..." Oh yes...he can, and he did. Miah somehow managed to grab the water hose, pull it out, and turn on the water FULL BLAST. Have you ever turned on the water hose in your yard full blast and then set it on the ground to let it go crazy? You know what happens right? The water hose takes on a life of it's own, swinging back and forth, around and around, side to side all the while..spraying everything and everyONE in it's sight. Because Miah was standing right in front of the wild water hose, it would occasionally swing across his face spraying him at very close range. This continued to happen to him over and over really quickly to the point where he could no longer breath and he stood there sucking air into his mouth with his eyes wide open...almost like drowing but NOT under water. Yes that's right, that was the scene in Beauty Brands that day. Hair cutters running all over the place, covering their clients with towels, ducking behind chairs, people screaming. It was almost like someone had come into that salon with a gun. It was all in slow motion and all I could do was grab Miah off the chair and want to die. For a moment, I seriously considered just running out of there.

Once we got the water turned off and used every single hand towel in the entire salon, it was back to creating the disaster on my head. I knew by now, from the looks I was getting from the other moms and hair cutters that I was NOT wanted there. I didn't say a single word for the rest of the cut. I waited it out. I let her use a curling iron to curl UNDER my ONE HEAVY LAYER in the middle of my hair and then use that same curling iron to curl OUT the ends of my hair, only to create the vision I had dreaded, but knew would come....THE RACHEL HAIRCUT. Which now explains the hideous picture I have posted here for you to see. I will say, this picture doesn't do the haircut I received justice...it was WAY worse than this. There were no other layers in my hair at all in the top portion and my hair is very thin and fine which made my head the shape of a triangle. Not to mention, she gave me BANGS... SO picture the thin hair at the top, flat against my head, the large curled under section on the one single layer and then the flipped out bottom portion of my hair. This was the haircut that most people got back in the nineties when they asked for the Rachel haircut because there wasn't a single hair cutter around that could actually DO IT the right way.

Now if you will...close your eyes and just imagine this view. Here I am with this vulgar haircut, picking up my dripping wet child, grabbing my purse which is also soaked all the while having every single eye on me as I walk to the counter to pay and leave. It honestly felt like that counter was 1/2 a mile away by how long it took for me to get there. I couldn't tell if more people were looking at me because of how ridiculous my hair looked or because they hated me for being such a white trash mom who brings their kids to the salon. I guess I'll never know. I do know one thing...I will NEVER set foot in that salon EVER again in my entire life and hopefully, if I'm lucky, I'll never run into any of those evil women who stared at me as I walked away.

So that's that. All is well now though. I got my haircut fixed this morning and it looks great so I'm not too bitter about the hair. I hope you enjoyed my story and will take one thing with you to remember for the future...NEVER EVER EVER use the name JENNIFER ANISTON to describe a haircut you want.

6 comments:

Lindsay said...

OH MY GOSH.....I don't know what else to say... that story makes me want to cry. i'm so sorry you experienced that.

Lindsay said...

OH MY GOSH... i don't know what else to say... that is so sad that it happened to you. I want to cry.

Lindsay said...

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Amy Herfurth said...

so glad your starting to write these down...your really great with words and although I already heard this story, I found myself laughing out loud!

Amy Herfurth said...

So glad your starting to write these down...Your great with words and although I already heard this story...I found my self laughing out loud!

Bonnie said...

After I read this, I thought... this is the Jessica we all know and love and she FINALLY got some comments. Then I click to comment and I notice... only two people commented and both did a repeat. Whatever... you totally deserved more comments on this one.

I love your white trash moments, they are always good for a smile!