a long time ago, i used to blog a little differently. i'd just sit down. and write. and write. anything that was on my mind. went onto the screen. and then i pushed publish. and that was that. i didn't worry about it looking pretty and centered. i didn't worry about pictures being in order or synchronized with text. i didn't hyperlink or schedule posts or edit pictures or do linky parties. i just blogged. i blogged because i wanted to record my thoughts, my feelings, my joys, my sadness, everything. everything i felt at that very moment and time, i wanted to blog. i did it so i could remember how it felt. i did it so my children could remember and know that i was a more than just a mom. i never thought about followers or how long someone stayed on my page or how many hits i had that day. my blog was my journal. literally.
today. i blog like that again. and i may continue this on a regular basis. just to keep it real and to let it all out. i think we all need that every once in awhile.
i've been thinking a lot lately about this deployment and who it is making me become. i've started to realize that although i'm definitely growing as a person, i feel incorrectly represented as a friend to so many of my favorite people.
let me explain. this past thanksgiving was great. i was with a favorite friend i hadn't seen in years, TWO amazing families and my sweet children. but. i wasn't with my Lover. a piece of me. a big piece of me wasn't there. and so as happy as i should have been with my surrounding support. i was sad. it didn't feel like thanksgiving. wait. i take that back. it DID feel like thanksgiving. but not mine. it felt like i was outside, looking in through a window at all of my loved ones having their own thanksgiving. without me. it wasn't because of anything anyone said or did. it was solely because of the fact that half of my heart was thousands and thousands of miles away.
a deployment makes you feel like you're in a bubble. you can go out and hang with friends, and fake the fun, but inside you're hurting. and when everyone goes home, and you're all alone in your room or bed or car, you're just that...ALONE.
i know i don't need to do this, but i want to apologize to anyone who has gotten to know me during the last 3.5 months. this is not me. i am not this girl who flakes out. i am not this girl who calls and cancels at the last minute because "i don't feel good" or "my baby has a runny nose". no. i don't do that. i don't blow off girls night outs. i don't avoid big groups. i don't purposely sit alone and away from everyone i know. but right now? i do. i just want you to know, this is not me. the me i know is fun. and silly. and crazy. and outgoing. the me i know wants to do neat things all the time. and wants to take her kids to lots of exciting places. the me i know texts her friends all the time and calls them because she wants to tell them about the latest greatest funniest story that just happened to her. the me i know is crafty and likes parties and decorations and inviting friends over for fancy luncheons. the me i know doesn't cry. she doesn't listen to songs and start dissecting the words to fit her life so she can cry in her car in the target parking lot while her babies sleep in their car seats. the me i know doesn't take naps everyday so the day passes faster. the me i know isn't blah.
as much as i want to be ME again right now, i just can't. so please, forgive me. i truly apologize if i've made anyone feel like they don't matter to me because you do. you all matter to me. so much. and in about 4 months, i should be back to normal. but be patient with me. so the ME that we all love so much, can come back.