Sunday, December 5, 2010

raw words.

a long time ago, i used to blog a little differently. i'd just sit down. and write. and write. anything that was on my mind. went onto the screen. and then i pushed publish. and that was that. i didn't worry about it looking pretty and centered. i didn't worry about pictures being in order or synchronized with text. i didn't hyperlink or schedule posts or edit pictures or do linky parties. i just blogged. i blogged because i wanted to record my thoughts, my feelings, my joys, my sadness, everything. everything i felt at that very moment and time, i wanted to blog. i did it so i could remember how it felt. i did it so my children could remember and know that i was a more than just a mom. i never thought about followers or how long someone stayed on my page or how many hits i had that day. my blog was my journal. literally.



today. i blog like that again. and i may continue this on a regular basis. just to keep it real and to let it all out. i think we all need that every once in awhile.



i've been thinking a lot lately about this deployment and who it is making me become. i've started to realize that although i'm definitely growing as a person, i feel incorrectly represented as a friend to so many of my favorite people.



let me explain. this past thanksgiving was great. i was with a favorite friend i hadn't seen in years, TWO amazing families and my sweet children. but. i wasn't with my Lover. a piece of me. a big piece of me wasn't there. and so as happy as i should have been with my surrounding support. i was sad. it didn't feel like thanksgiving. wait. i take that back. it DID feel like thanksgiving. but not mine. it felt like i was outside, looking in through a window at all of my loved ones having their own thanksgiving. without me. it wasn't because of anything anyone said or did. it was solely because of the fact that half of my heart was thousands and thousands of miles away.



a deployment makes you feel like you're in a bubble. you can go out and hang with friends, and fake the fun, but inside you're hurting. and when everyone goes home, and you're all alone in your room or bed or car, you're just that...ALONE.



i know i don't need to do this, but i want to apologize to anyone who has gotten to know me during the last 3.5 months. this is not me. i am not this girl who flakes out. i am not this girl who calls and cancels at the last minute because "i don't feel good" or "my baby has a runny nose". no. i don't do that. i don't blow off girls night outs. i don't avoid big groups. i don't purposely sit alone and away from everyone i know. but right now? i do. i just want you to know, this is not me. the me i know is fun. and silly. and crazy. and outgoing. the me i know wants to do neat things all the time. and wants to take her kids to lots of exciting places. the me i know texts her friends all the time and calls them because she wants to tell them about the latest greatest funniest story that just happened to her. the me i know is crafty and likes parties and decorations and inviting friends over for fancy luncheons. the me i know doesn't cry. she doesn't listen to songs and start dissecting the words to fit her life so she can cry in her car in the target parking lot while her babies sleep in their car seats. the me i know doesn't take naps everyday so the day passes faster. the me i know isn't blah.


as much as i want to be ME again right now, i just can't. so please, forgive me. i truly apologize if i've made anyone feel like they don't matter to me because you do. you all matter to me. so much. and in about 4 months, i should be back to normal. but be patient with me. so the ME that we all love so much, can come back.



-jessica


38 comments:

Mama Mia said...

let me be the first to comment on here and say that i like it when you write like this.
and i think the YOU that i have gotten to know in the last 3.5 months is pretty dang cool, so i can't imagine how freakin' amazing you will be in 4 months. but i look forward to the YOU that has your lover back. cause i know that what you are going through right now is so very hard. i can't even imagine. but i honestly feel like we were supposed to be friends for a reason. if only for the sole reason that i can help make this short time for you a little easier somehow, than it is worth it to me. (i sound so cheeze right now. i apologize.)
you are entitled to your daily naps. take them. make the time go by faster.
when lover gets back lets plan some fun stuff!

Anonymous said...

This stalker, thinks that you are a pretty spectacular person. Great blog. xoxox

Jen said...

Raw words are sometimes what you need to do. Sometimes you just need to right down things so that you can start to deal with them.

And well, I don't have a husband deployed, I can relate to your words about not feeling like ME.

Thank you for putting these words out there.

(((HUGS)))

blue eyed girl said...

raw or not you are over the top amazing...alone sucks but it makes the heart grow fonder and it is so evident that your family has so much love in it. keep writing I love reading the raw, funny, large fonted, overly punctuated life stories you share with all of us. :)

Carolina said...

i have no idea how it feels to be going through what you are. i will never pretend to know either and for that, i'm sorry! i just know that my friend that i've known for so long is sad/hurting right now. I also just know i love you. i know that the jess that i've always known is doing the absolute best she can with everything right now.
i don't judge you, i would never do that. i'm just glad i got to spend some time with you. once your lover is back, all will be back to normal and the Hundduddleun Jess will be back in full force!!

All I can offer is a huggg and support. I know you won't ask for it, but it's here--i'm here! Whatever that's worth!
♥CarolE

Jordan Streetman (Southern Hospitality) said...

this is a wonderful post.

The Collins in 2010 said...

I loved the raw post :)

Dixie Mom said...

I can't even imagine.

You're excused.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman said...

Oh, Huss....
You are at the halfway point. This is when you really start feeling it. And not one person who is worth their salt in friendship should be snappy about it. If they are, I will get my baseball bat and have a chat with their kneecaps. I know you feel alone, and honestly, as much as I want to solve that for you, I cannot. What I can do is tell you that I love you/stalk you/adore you- flakey, crying, sad, frustrated and all. If only my cyber hugs could make you feel better.
Lover will be back soon, but until he does, you feel what you need to feel and make no apologies. Smackage to the naysayers.

Birdie said...

You're forgiven. Too bad we'll always be on opposite cycles...one of us whole while the other is without her Spouse/Lover. Maybe one day they'll both be done with these war shenanigans and we can be our normal awesome selves 100% of the time!

Chernobyl said...

Of course you're sad, you're in survival mode. So it may not get any easier but you've got lots of good support to help you make it through. Nobody expects you to pretend like it's easy.

Justine said...

Pretending is not easy. In four months,I can't imagine how you REALLY are. You already seem super cool and I honestly mean that.


Just Better Together

nicole said...

I always think to my self, "there are no words for how I feel" when somebody asks me. Well, now I'll direct them toward your blog and THIS post. This is absolutely 100% my day to day. Thanks for making me feel less alone, I'm with you on this one, love! 4 months to go..music to my ears!

The WholeFamDamily said...

First of all, that's why I started my blog too, and cuz I'm alone here in Utah, all my friends and family are elsewhere so I made it to keep them up to date and have a place to purge...thanks for the reminder, I needed that.
Secondly, noone is you, so even if we all experience deployments or times without our spouse, we all experience life differently.
No excuses, you do what you have to, to hold it all together, k? Allow yourself the moments good or bad. If we ain't feelin' we ain't livin' (pretty sure I just made up a Texas proverb. Ur welcome)
I luv u in every form! Just know you're loved and supported regardless!!!

Renee said...

Thank you for this "real" post!

When I've read your posts before and during your deployment life, I wondered if I has just handling deployment harder. It seemed like you were having a grand time, never down, and just moving through just fine, taking it all in stride. I began to wonder if I was doing something wrong by feeling just what you honestly described in your post. By being 'real' in your post you have 100% confirmed that I am not alone!

Valinda said...

Lots of love and hugs and I'll still be here in 4 months when "you" come back. In the mean time I'm here learning along with all the other civilians what a truly amazing women you continue to be. Thank you.

David and Teresa said...

I understand Baby. I don't feel like "me" either right now. Love you and will hope your 4 months passes faster than the normal time for 4 months. I am still loving having all of here. Mutha

Candace said...

I love you. You're amazing. You have zero. Zilch. Nada. To apologize for. In fact, I should apologize for drunk texting u the other night. ;). You're such an amazing and thoughtful person, which is why I cherish you so much. I wish I could take away your sadness and make it all better. :( hang in there. The end is in sight.

♥ Dani said...

Oh sweetie... I've been there with you. Staying in, becoming secluded, losing interest in my favorite things and favorite people. Rest assured, it WILL get better, and you WILL get back to feeling yourself. Which I know you know, but sometimes it just helps to hear it again from someone who has been there, too. My love returned home from him deployment 2 months ago and I STILL can't believe he here... and to be honest, I'm still getting back to myself and finding myself again. But it's so much easier and worthwhile with him here! Stay strong, you're almost there!

Brittany@Love Stitched said...

Love and hugs to you :) xoxo

ruthy ann said...

I'm a military brat, and I currently live in military town...my heart breaks for families who have to endure this kind of separation. If anyone had to go through this I'm sure they'd be feeling just the same.

Estell said...

I really do like when you write this way :] Its nice to feel like someone else is like you I suppose. Recently (kinda the last year or so) I've been avoiding friends and social things because depression. Sometimes we all are like this. But you really are an amazing person and don't forget that :]

Losing Brownies said...

My sister's husband is deployed and she is having the hardest time with it. It breaks my heart to see her that way. I can only imagine that it's similar to what you are going through. I hope that the time flies by quickly even though it seems like its crawling.

s'me said...

I've done the lover being deployed, both to hot and sunny lands, and to camping in fields for weeks on end with no contact. I've done sitting in, not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to be around people, just wanting him back so badly, wanting to know he was ok, just wanting him.

And then he died. Not in the sandy lands of the Afghan desert, but on his motorbike on an ordinary road on the way to his base on an ordinary day.

It's like a permanent deployment. But you have to choose, just like you are doing, to be you and to be it the hardest you can. You have an end to the deployment, and you'll see him walk through the door and hold him as tight as you can. And give him an extra squeeze for me, because I'll be praising that he's home.

But when you are truely in love, it is like a part of you is missing when they are away, regardless of what anyone says.

And now I'm waffling. *hug*

Camilla said...

Love you, Jess!

Ashley @ Joyful Creations said...

Wow! I've been reading your blog for quite some time now and I don't know for sure if I've ever commented. I love google reader but it keeps me from talking to the bloggers of the blogs that I read. Anyway, I want to send you a hug right now. I can't even begin to know how you feel. I have my husband at home with me on a regular basis. I do miss my brother who is currently stationed in Texas and deploying to Iraq in January. I'm so sorry that you don't feel like you right now. I love your blog and seeing your interesting pictures, your beautiful children and hearing your stories. You crack me up on a regular basis. Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way.

CoconutPalmDesigns said...

Hugs!!!!

Cheers :-)
- CoconutPalmDesigns

E said...

I think you put it best when you said, "a deployment makes you feel like you're in a bubble. you can go out and hang with friends, and fake the fun, but inside you're hurting. and when everyone goes home, and you're all alone in your room or bed or car, you're just that...ALONE."

You are exactly right!! And it's hard when no one understands.

I can honestly say that deployment is one of the hardest things I've been thru and your right during that time your not yourself.

Keep your head up and I hope your months pass fast!

wildchild said...

thank you so much for posting this. i know exactly how you feel, and for once, it's put into words that are exactly what i've been looking for. having only half of your heart constantly is the hardest thing, but remember how good it is and will be when he's back in your arms. use the support systems you have here right now and do whatever you need to get through. people will understand. i'm praying for you.

amylouwho said...

You described that feeling so well! It's awful. I love you. and hang in there. xoxox

zoo keeper said...

yep yes mmmhhhmmm
i feel and do all those things every week while my Big is gone too. but because he's here not here gone not gone i feel like i'm always on a rollercoaster. Sometimes i feel like telling my friends sorry and sometimes i don't... i'm living it they aren't. you're real friends won't need an apology. plain.and.simple.
but thanks and the next time i'm crying in MY car on the way to the gym i'll think of you.
xoxo

b.a. said...

wow. i didn't read any comments, so this may be repetitive. but...i'm in tears. i relate to this so much. so. so much. thanksgiving was ROUGH. and every day is rough. i don't feel like myself. i don't feel like this was who i am meant to be. i know satan wants to put fear and bitterness and loneliness and anger into my heart. he wants to destroy my heart and my life and my marriage. but it's hard, isn't it? it's just so hard. i didn't know i'd get married and have my husband taken away from me. i got married to BE WITH him. ugh. i'm sorry. you don't need me telling you what you already know... but, just wanted to say i feel your pain. and your sadness. and...everything you're feeling now.

Lindsay said...

sister... i sensed you feeling this way and so i put your and austin's name in the temple. i hope the time goes faster for you so he can hurry and come back. love you SO much.

Ashley @ Little Miss Momma said...

I read EVERY single word of this post, and as usual, you made my throw close up as I fought back tears. I will never pretend to know what you are going through, I would NEVER be that ignorant--but I remember when Ben and I were dating long distance for over a year, and I would nap EVERY day to make the time fly by--I remember pretending to have fun with my friends but really just wanting to be with him. I can't imagine having to go through that again after being married and having kids--yuck!

But the great things about your situation, is that what he is doing MATTERS to ALL of us, and so...

once again, thank you for your strength and sacrifice!

love you girl!

Missy said...

I never feel quite like myself when my Hubby is gone, and I've never been without him for that long. I couldn't imagine. No apologizes needed, I think it would be more weird if it didn't affect you!
Praying for your family!

Maranda said...

Unless you have been there, you don't know. People go on about their little lives and don't think about the ones who are in pain.

I love this post. You are right. It is real. It is raw.

Thank you for sharing with us. I think you are awesome and you have every right to stay in your own bubble right now. You aren't you right now because half of you is missing. If people love you, they won't hold it against you. ((HUGS))

Paige Smith said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. EXACTLY. And maybe, with time, this feeling will subside a little. You'll get on a little better. But that emptiness will always be there. Then A will get home and you'll wonder how in the WORLD you ever made it through? But you'll know you did and be proud of yourself for it. Cause you're one tough cookie. :)

Kathleen Boland said...

Deployment turns you into a two faced person. One face for the public and one for home. I thought I forgot how to smile. Sappy commercials shouldn't make us cry.
So get out and fill your time so that it goes by faster. Lean on your friends. It's OK.